TheRetroCritic

Oh boy... Where do I even start with this one?! You know how Superman IV is   goofy but in a way that's fun and enjoyably campy? Well  Superman III takes the zaniness to a whole new level, to the point where, at times, this feels not so much like a Superman film but rather a generic, corny, not good 80's comedy. This is a far more light-hearted movie than it probably should be, especially since it does have the odd good idea here and there, but it's too blinded by the delusion that it's hilarious to bother taking advantage of its potential. There's an interesting Superman film in there where Clark goes back to Smallville, meets up with high-school sweetheart Lana and tries to reconcile both parts of his personality. This leads to a badass conflict between Clark Kent and Bizarro (an evil version of Superman) after Superman comes into contact with an altered form of Kryptonite. All that stuff works well enough, though Clark's college reunion needed to be

A small compilation of some of my worst impressions... (many more probably coming soon I'm afraid)

With Lara Croft: Tomb Raider doing well at the box-office despite it failing to be the cinematic adaptation of the classic game people were waiting for, a sequel was nonetheless inevitable. New director, new adventure, new hope. Could this be the Tomb Raider film we were all waiting for? Sadly... far from it. Once again, the film misses the point of the game and replaces what should be an Indiana Jones -type of vibe with more of a Mission Impossible approach. Angelina Jolie's Lara Croft is paired with Gerard Butler's agent to uncover Pandora's Box thanks to a big, glowing... Dragonball. The film opens with Lara already on a mission and although there is something really messy and uninvolving about that opening scene, it's all worth it just to see her punch a shark in the face: by far the best and funniest moment in either film. The plot sees a competing douchebag, some evil scientist guy, following the trail of the orb and the Box while Lara attempts to retri

Remember when that movie came out? How excited we were? I know I was! A perfectly cast Angelina Jolie playing the one game character EVERY geek fantasized about in a full-blown action adventure flick? Finally? I couldn't wait. Then I watched it... I hadn't been this disappointed in a video game movie since Street Fighter and at least that one was enjoyable in a so-bad-it's-good kind of way, it was entertaining at the very least! Not that this Tomb Raider outing is completely joyless: there is a sense that they were trying to make a fun movie complete with loads of action, playful one-liners and comic relief characters (both of which are awful here, by the way) but somehow it managed to completely miss the point. It's really quite simple: what Tomb Raider should be is nothing more than a modern Indiana Jones with a quietly badass female lead and cool, cartoonish villains. Yet this movie finds it necessary to spend no less than 40 minutes building exposition f

As Die Hard fans all over the world, me including, hang their heads in shame, it appears they've finally done it. They have finally run this franchise into the ground. So much so that I now see Die Hard 4.0 as the last GOOD Die Hard flick and I was no fan of that one, frankly... First up: the plot. Nonsense. You've got John McClane going all the way to Russia to try and help his son not get locked up for a bunch of crimes it turns out he only committed as part of a secret CIA mission set in motion to try and recover some file from some bearded dude, along the way McClane and son meet a carrot-eating, tapdancing villain and go to Tchernobyl. Like, what? That's the story they went with? Jeesh, I wonder what other plots they must have passed on before settling on this trainwreck. To give you an idea, the film opens and it looks and feels nothing like a Die Hard film: no charm, no wit, no brains, no creativity, no suspense, no hook, no concept. If anything, it fe

Yes, "Snake Is Back". But this time: it ain't New York. That Escape From New York is, to this day, still seen as a sci-fi cult classic and Escape From L.A. remains something of a joke is hardly shocking. After all, this is mostly what this sequel/remake is, right?  A joke? I mean, luckily everyone involved seems to be in on it but it's the kind of thing that audiences just wouldn't necessarily get. Evil Dead II , for example, was essentially a remake of the first film, and a parody of it to a certain extent, but right off the bat, the sequel obviously had a very different, jokey vibe, plus it was a good, really entertaining movie so it worked. Here, it feels like the movie is taking the piss of itself but it's not really clear why so it just ends up being an altogether random experience. Especially since Escape From L.A. is basically a messier retread of the original plot-wise. And I think that's what kills the flick. Don'

Yes, you are reading this correctly. Mick Jagger, Emilio Estevez and Anthony Hopkins all cast in a movie together. An early 90's sci-fi movie no less! Actually... MUCH less. Freejack may look good on paper (trashy good) but alas, after a promisingly ass first act, this was one silly, low-budget B movie with very little to offer besides some shockingly not-even-trying performances, a lot of smoke, trucks and... night. Our lead is a particularly uncharismatic Emilio Estevez, he plays a racing car driver who is one day "freejacked" (read: teleported) into the future by an unknown mastermind who wants to take over his body... or something like that. Trust me, Freejack is near incomprehensible so reviewing it is like digging for patterns inside a mountain of dirt. Mick Jagger plays some bad dude who is after Estevez for some reason and Rene Russo is the latter's past girlfriend who mysteriously hasn't aged in nearly 20 years after his dramatic disappearance

It’s no secret that Nicolas Cage has a thing for the medieval and antique weirdness in general: castles, sorcery, all that stuff. So when long time friend and financial benefactor Jerry Bruckheimer approached him with a tale which would see him play Merlin’s apprentice, he no doubt jumped at the chance. I’m assuming this all happened before an initial glance at The Sorcerer’s Apprentice ’s script. There’s something about a Disney Nic Cage movie that doesn’t sit right. For one thing he can’t go all out Bad Lieutenant style and that means he can’t be the Cage we love and demand. Also, it means that the movie he’s in won’t exactly live to become a cult classic. The Sorcerer’s Apprentice is every bit as bland as the trailers suggested and this looks set to be the one Cage flick EVERYONE will completely forget about. Yup, even more so than Season Of The Witch . The aforementioned script is mostly to blame. In a clumsy opening montage, we’re roughly told about

Oh boy... Just when you think a franchise can't sink any lower... That Michael Bay-produced remake was just what I expected it to be: dumb, annoying, shot like a music video, missing the point of the original completely. I frankly couldn't stand that movie. Then, Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning came out and, as unnecessary as it was, it was surprisingly not that bad. It still ripped off Tobe Hooper's first film to death but it was harmless enough as far as random prequels go. Then we get Texas Chainsaw 3D and, shockingly, we get what is quite probably the worst of the bunch! Boy I'm glad we rebooted that franchise! Aren't you? The film opens on blurred, cheaply 3D-ed footage from the original The Texas Chainsaw Massacre film and although they've somehow managed to make it look rubbish, it's still good enough to put you in the right mood. We're then brought forward to just after the events of the film and it turns out that a bunch o

The fourth film in the Texas Chainsaw Massacre series comes with an unlikely cast and a brand new bunch of psychos, though we do get a Leatherface of sorts. No Texas Chainsaw Massacre film has been quite as heavily panned as this one: barely anyone saw it and the few who did didn't like it. The Next Generation (originally released as The Return Of The Chainsaw Massacre ) sees a new bunch of teenagers driving off into the middle of nowhere before meeting up with a bizarre bunch of nuts. The Slaughters (that family's actual name lol) are led by Vilmer, a demented truck-drivin' Matthew McConaughey on full force complete with remote-controlled artificial leg and sadistic tendencies. Here's a guy who's not shy about having a major screw loose. He takes his time, savouring his victims' every scream and since he's not a cannibal (pizza's more his thing) like that other bunch of loons, his motivation is pretty much motivated by cruelty alone. Oh, also I

Well, it's Halloween, so what better to review but a film by the master of Italian horror himself? Yes, I'm talking about Dario Argento, of course. Armed with an army of flies, a gloriously inappropriate rock opera soundtrack and buckets of shattered glass and blood, Phenomena (also known as "Creepers" ) is certainly one of those must-watch silly horror flicks. Troll 2 gets all the love these days but Phenomena, though it's made somewhat more pertinently (visually at least), is a completely entertaining oddity that's well worth seeing for any fan of trashy/arty horror. A young Jennifer Connelly leads a mostly lost cast and actually does a decent job considering her lines are about as silly as they come. Donald Pleasence, however, doesn't seem too sure about why he's having to interact with an ape almost every scene he's in while spouting out convenient bags of quirky exposition. Everyone else is mostly rubbish and, as such, help provide ton

Oh dear... This is what happens when you go snooping around a popular actor's filmography. Benny & Joon , a Johnny Depp-starring weirdo comedy in which he plays a Charlie Chaplin wannabe who, for whatever reason, starts baby-sitting some moody guy's mentally challenged (or, in movie talk: artistic, quirky and misunderstood) sister, sounded like fun. I mean, Johnny Depp wouldn't sign up to a rom-com unless there was something a bit more to it. Right? As it turns out, the guy clearly just wanted an excuse to be Chaplin/Buster Keaton for a day and show off his... slapstick magic... 'skills'? The problem? Benny & Joon isn't funny. Furthermore, Depp isn't funny in it. And by god he tries... I mean, ok, parts of the movie get close to being charming (near the very end, mostly) but most of the time you're just waiting for Benny to punch Sam's (Depp) face in. This is a manipulative little film not so much concerned with developing its

Welcome to another of my Top 10s! This time I'm looking at Nicolas Cage movies and if you know me at all then you know that Mr Cage is something of an obsession with me... I'll be counting down the Top 10 Cage films that I personally enjoy watching the most. I'll be leaving out loads of good movies of course ( Lord Of War ), as well as movies I haven't seen in a long time and really need to re-watch ( Snake Eyes , 8MM , The Rock ) so I might revisit this list eventually. Some films that I actually quite like, I'm thinking Trapped In Paradise , Matchstick Men or Peggy Sue got Married just missed out on the list which includes genuinely good movies and movies which may not be particularly great (or simply so bad they're good) but are worth watching since The Cage is at his most entertaining. On that note, lets "Cage" that shit up: 10 DEADFALL/THE WICKER MAN In the so-bad-they're-good category, here we have two films, both clunky

Look at that poster. What the hell were they thinking? When did Dreamscape become Temple Of Doom ? I know Kate Capshaw's in this movie but honestly, that's not enough to justify making a full-on Indiana Jones poster for a film which mostly sees people talking rubbish in rooms and labs, with the occasional wacky dream sequence. Besides, the little kid on the left: SO not a main character. The poster makes it seem like he's Short Round or something. Honestly, if you've seen the movie, this poster's hilarious. Dreamscape stars Dennis Quaid as a dude with some kind of telepathic/telekinetic ability who is hired by Max Von Sydow's scientist to be part of an experiment which involves entering dreams and controlling them somehow. A villainous Christopher Plummer learns that the US President is having these strange nightmares and decides, with the old man's permission of course, to send someone in his mind to sort it out. Of course, Plummer's more intere