THE SORCERER'S APPRENTICE - REVIEW
It’s no secret that
Nicolas Cage has a thing for the medieval and antique weirdness in general: castles, sorcery, all that stuff.
So when long time friend and financial benefactor Jerry Bruckheimer approached
him with a tale which would see him play Merlin’s apprentice, he no doubt jumped
at the chance.
I’m assuming this all
happened before an initial glance at The Sorcerer’s Apprentice’s script.
There’s something
about a Disney Nic Cage movie that doesn’t sit right. For one thing he can’t go
all out Bad Lieutenant style and that means he can’t be the Cage we love and
demand. Also, it means that the movie he’s in won’t exactly live to become a
cult classic. The Sorcerer’s Apprentice is every bit as bland as the trailers
suggested and this looks set to be the one Cage flick EVERYONE will completely
forget about. Yup, even more so than Season Of The Witch.
The aforementioned
script is mostly to blame.
In a clumsy opening
montage, we’re roughly told about Merlin and the whole mythology behind
Balthazar’s (Cage) character. It’s all shot like a music video and does very
poorly to get you involved in the simplistic plot. Then we cut to a truly
memorable year, the year 2000, where some pre-teen romance is going on and one
of the kids wanders into Balthazar’s "Wonder Emporium" where the sorcerer awaits
what he believes to be the new chosen one or whatever. After that, it’s all a
healthy mix of nonsense plotting (sorcerers get sucked into Russian dolls and vases for
some reason), light-hearted teen hijincks (Jay Baruchel’s David is the clumsy geek we’ve
seen in movies a million times before), piss jokes, one-liners and already dated CGI effects.
Alfred Molina is
villain Horvath (pronounced “whore-bath” I believe) who inexplicably utters
modern expressions like “Sweet!” and is made out of bugs in an effect that
reeks of every noughties Mummy movie ever made. He wants a Russian doll which
holds not only the evil sorceress Morgana but also Balthazar’s beloved, a
particularly rubbish and unnecessary Monica Belucci. Balthazar’s plan is to train David and get
him to become the kickass sorcerer he believes he was meant to be. Baruchel does his
geek schtick and, like Justin Long in Die Hard 4.0, after a while it’s grating as
hell.
Had its plot and
mythology not been written on a cocktail napkin the night before the shoot, The
Sorcerer’s Apprentice could have been a fun piece of fantasy nonsense. As it
stands, though: this is a soulless, forgettable, silly and rushed attempt which
means well but is far too lazy to deserve too much of our attention. Shame on
Disney for referencing and ruining the only scene I actually liked in Fantasia.
Harmless enough but
disappointing nonetheless.
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