TheRetroCritic

Remaking genius cult B-movie Death Race 2000 was either going to end up being a very bad idea or a very good idea. The film (think Wacky Races with gore, Sylvester Stallone and boobs) said pretty much all it had to say it seemed. But here we are with a Jason Statham B-side actioner that's... Neither bad or good, really. More the latter than the former, though. The film opens with a cool car chase involving masked driver Frankenstein (played by David Carradine in the original film and rocking a cameo here), a really good start: the cars look great, the action's fine... That is, until the character is killed off! Yeah, then it becomes a prison movie for some reason with Jason Statham getting locked up after being wrongfully accused of killing his own wife. It's like Steven Seagal came in and rewrote the movie! It's not bad but it's not quite what you expect walking in, frankly. Thankfully, though, things finally get down to business and the movie gets bac

The great Roger Corman returns with yet another B movie creature feature. Forget Piranhacondas, for now is the time of Sharktopi. Yes, apparently the US Navy, under Eric Roberts' supervision, one day decided to merge a shark with an octopus to create the ultimate killing machine. All was well while the beast was under control but our luck has finally run out and the Sharktopus is loose and out for blood. Why a shark and an octopus, you ask? Because Eric Roberts was drunk, that's why. Sharktopus is every bit as trashy as the title suggests and it couldn't be any prouder of that. You've got a cheap-looking CGI monster, a poorly shot, shockingly acted, mostly overcast Summer horror flick which takes Jaws and Piranhas the hell out of it once more. We've had mega sharks, giant octopi, sharks with two heads, it was only a matter of time before the B movie world would give Sharktopus a shot, really. The film is completely self-aware and doesn't waste any t

What do you get when you cross Mad Max with The Cannonball Run , Wacky Races and Rollerball ? I'll tell you what: the best thing ever! AKA: Death Race 2000 . In the dystopian future of... the year 2000, a super-violent race takes place between nutty drivers in silly costumes and goofy-ass cars during which you're expected to score points through multiple hit-and-runs. It's a cruel, messed-up world where the US President approves of and promotes a mindless, murderous sport, where euthanasia is performed by wheeling patients onto the road and waiting for Sylvester Stallone to run them over in a knife-wielding car and where David Carradine walks around in tight, leather overalls, a mask and a cape under the name Frankenstein. Sorry Grand Theft Auto but you've got nothing on this one. Here's a cult 70's flick which doesn't stop being bonkers from start to finish. It's a cartoon and it knows it, occasionally going off into Wile E. Coyote tange

Roger Moore's second outing as 007 is a weird one... For one thing the film opens by zooming into Christopher Lee's nipples. Of which he has three. Lee plays Scaramanga, a wealthy entrepreneur with a secret desert island where he's not only building some kind of sun-powered death ray but also toying with a psychedelic fun-house-style room designed to discombobulate whoever enters it and get them killed. He's also extremely proud of his one-bullet golden gun made out of a cigarette case, a pen, a lighter and whatever else. He's one of the great Bond villains mostly because he is so darn happy with his absurd achievements and isn't afraid to show off a little. His henchman, Nick Nack, isn't quite as intimidating as the likes of Goldfinger 's OddJob (his one weakness is luggage ) but he is nevertheless just as memorable. The plot involves 007 being sent some golden bullet which MI6 believes to have come from Scaramanga and Bond is sent on a new s

Love 'em or hate 'em, the Roger Moore years were certainly worth a watch. I mean, look at the above poster. Why would you NOT go and see that? Ah Moonraker . I had forgotten this entire film but I had a feeling that re-watching it might just prove it to be so bad it would actually tower above Never Say Never Again and On Her Majesty's Secret Service as the ultimate best worst Bond movie. The very idea of 007 IN SPACE sounded ludicrous but kind of awesome so I was really looking forward to revisiting this one properly. Hm, how do I put this... Moonraker... Isn't THAT bad. I mean, don't get me wrong, it's silly, but not in the hilarious "bad movie" way I was expecting. The main problem with Moonraker isn't it's OTT plot but rather that the build-up to the whole space thing is crazy-boring. You know where the movie is going right off the bat, you've seen the poster! And yet it's like the film spends 90 minutes fumbling i

Talk about a good set-up! You've got a cool title, a kickass Duran Duran theme song, Christopher Walken, Grace Jones, all in a Bond film! How is this not widely known as THE best 007 flick out there? I'll tell ya: HORSES . Yeah, you know what's not cool to have in a Bond film? An extensive amount of time spent talking about or riding horses. I mean, I like the countryside and the pooey smell of stables as much as anyone but... Remember that scene in Goldfinger where Bond is playing golf with the titular villain? Now imagine if that scene was about an hour long. Ouch. Alright, I know it sounds like I'm panning A View To A Kill pretty harshly, but don't get me wrong: I like the movie! Christopher Walken's Max Zorin is a cool villain, Grace Jones is as striking as ever as henchwoman May Day, I like the opening ski scene, as silly as it is, and the third act is actually pretty darn decent. You've got a chase up and down the Eiffel Tower, Bond a

Having never been a fan of Roger Moore's take on Bond, I have to say that, with the exception of Live And Let Die , I barely remembered the likes of The Spy Who Loved Me or For Your Eyes Only . So revisiting those was a bit of a must. The Spy Who Loved Me is Moore's fourth movie and as such lacks the oomph and general quality of the first couple of outings but it does fit into the pre- Moonraker category not only literally (it IS just before Moonraker :P) but also in terms of it being before Moore's films started getting really, groaningly ridiculous. This one sees Bond face a nutty villain with an underwater/overwater lair who enjoys sending people through an elevator down to a shark-infested pool of death Team America 's Kim Jong Il-style. 007 is joined by Russian Agent XXX who is played not by Vin Diesel but Barbara Bach, queen of B movies and... whatever Caveman was meant to be. Sadly, she really is the weakest link in this movie performance-wise making her

Just a little post to explain the new 007-themed banner (otherwise that's just weird!). This month on TheRetroCritic is "Bond Month" so expect plenty of Bond reviews, 007-related articles, Skyfall goodies and, depending on how the vote goes for Best & Worst Bond Films (see top-left + top-right of Home page), Bond video reviews. The films chosen by the polls as Best & Worst Bond films to date will indeed be given the video review treatment. That is all :) Have fun!

It's tough to beat a Bond movie at the box office, especially if your film is a B movie about cold fusion and goofy disguises. Tomorrow Never Dies was released the same year as The Saint and it's easy to see why the Val Kilmer-starring vehicle faded away into nothing. For crying out loud, Never Dies had a remote controlled BMW! The Saint had Elisabeth Shue with a heart condition. That the latter was turned down by a plethora of actors from Mel Gibson to Arnold Schwarzenegger is no surprise. All the ingredients for a fun light-hearted thriller are there and yet The Saint suffers from having one of the least inspired scripts I've seen in a long time. Who thought this was interesting? Some stock Russian gangsters want to steal the formula for cold fusion in order to fix some unlikely election. Meanwhile, some guy called Simon Templar helps them but then doesn't. THE END.  For aaaaages.  116 minutes on THAT boring-ass story? Surely you jest. The opening titles of T