TheRetroCritic

I've wanted to do a stupid little comic series breaking down movie franchises as absurdly as possible for a while now... Ladies and gentlemen, I give you: The Twilight Saga .  In a nutshell. Got a few more planned so let us know what you think!

lol

Ok, two new trailers for Twilight: Breaking Dawn Pt. 2 and it's looking good. By that, of course, I mean lolgasmic. "She was born, not bitten. She grows every single day!" Gotta love that line. Then there's this one. "We have the same temperature now." Edward has a way with words. Also check out the last bit of that trailer, where Bella stalks a deer : GENIUS. Love that shit.

Here's one I was really looking forward to. When you're a fan of David Cronenberg's stranger works, seeing him make relatively straight-forward films like History Of Violence or A Dangerous Method is always a bit disappointing. No matter how good those movies are, you just want the guy to go all out Videodrome -style, blow-up some heads or just put messed-up images in your head (the birth dream sequence from The Fly , anyone?). I guess the director's style had to mature at some point but personally, with the exception of Eastern Promises , I haven't truly been impressed by the director's work since eXistenZ . And I still haven't. Cosmopolis has received mixed reviews thusfar with some praising its daring, mostly limo-set plot and message, while others calling it "shallow" and "self-indulgent"... because it is. Frankly, this is not a good movie. And I don't say that because I didn't get it, quite the opposite, Cosmo

If Twilight: Breaking Dawn Pt.1 brought as many tears of lol to your eyes as it did to me, then you've gotta be looking forward to this second part. Speaking of which, here's a newly released picture depicting the happy family together for the first time: I'm loling already. Now lets have a look at how they came up with the idea for this teaser pic... Simple maths, really. + ÷ It's gonna be great.

Can it be that the old, nutty, genius David Cronenberg we all knew and loved... is back? lol I like the dinosaur!

Edward from Twilight , that nazi from Inglourious Basterds and Legally Blonde walk into a circus... Sounds like a joke, right? Well now it's a film. With a title like that and Trapeze -style melodramatic visuals, I have to say I expected something pretty hilarious and in all fairness this wasn't big or fun enough to be hilarious, only amusingly idiotic I'm afraid. Still, there's loads to enjoy here! You've got Christoph Waltz who excels once again as a demented villain with a genial way of playing with people's emotions. One second he's a giddy, loveable weirdo, the next he'ssingle-handedly beating up an elephant (a strangely Polish and peaceful elephant at that). He's, in a word: mad. Which is great! If only everyone else had put in some heart and effort into their roles we could have had something half decent here. A less vampiric Robert Pattinson once again delivers what, at first, seems like a dark, brooding performance but soon enou

Robert Pattinson sparkles in this inexplicably hugely popular first outing of the Mormon Sexless Teen Vamp Saga...sorry, I meant Twilight . The film starts promisingly in a little town where we meet Bella (a whiny Kristen Stewart), her dad and her new life as the new girl in high school. The one thing the film actually has going for it, to be fair, is the way it portrays small town ennui so enjoy this first twenty minutes as you will sorely miss them. And then the vampires come in (lol), strolling in like Purity Ring-wearing badasses into the school canteen looking not-at-all suspiciously pale and blinking with their not-at-all strange yellow eyes. Pattinson's hair defies gravity and he always looks like he's lost a small olive and he's trying to figure out where he might have dropped it. He has tantrums about the perils of biology class and takes 5 days off school because his new lab partner smells like putrid virginity. In a highly perplexing scene, both meet for