TheRetroCritic

Die Hard . How do you beat that movie in terms of action and sheer gripping suspense? I'll tell ya. With a vengeance, that's how. Don't get me wrong, I love Die Hard and it is a classic but when it comes down to it, it's pretty claustrophobic taking place mostly in that skyscraper and all. For me, Die Hard: With A Vengeance is just that little bit more glorious in that the entire city is at stake this time, you've got a villain which would give even the likes of Batman chest pains and it all takes off instantly. You thought Die Hard 2 lacked a certain je-ne-sais-quoi? Well here it is. That's another point: With A Vengeance continues the franchise without feeling like a retread, which Die Hard 2 was a bit, to a certain extent. This time around, John McClane's not exactly at the top of his game. He's been suspended from the police force, his marriage has gone down the drain once again and he's got a bad hangover. So when a new villain on

Now I'm no illustrator or poster designer... at all. Hell, I don't even have Photoshop at the moment. That said, I do enjoy a challenge. Which is why from now on I'll be attempting to make a poster for every coming blockbuster. I warn you: they'll likely all suck. Hence why I encourage you guys to help me and make your own! They don't have to be perfect, just fun. This month we're starting with Mission: Impossible Ghost Protocol which has already had its share of posters. Most of them ass, like the ones involving Mr Cruise wearing hood. Some of them decent. I like that one, although is Cruise's nipple on fire? I like that one. Some of them good. This Olly Moss-style IMAX poster is pretty minimalist but it's cool. Here's mine: Yeah, I know. It's bloated and childish. OMG it's M:I 2 !!! Your mission, if you choose to accept it is to send all your entries to razorheadfilmsltd@gmail.com My favourites will be posted on t

  One piece of advice: don't watch May during a meal if you want to keep it down. Not that it's particularly gory or gross or anything, it's just that it's disturbing enough to put you off your food. There are twisted films and then there's this type of film: films which thrive on how unpleasant they gradually become. What's May like? Lets see... Think Eagle vs Shark directed by Lars Von Trier in full Antichrist mode and you've got more or less the type of nastiness May has to offer. The character's slow but inevitable descent into complete madness is one that's both fascinating and repulsive: you can't take your eyes off her no matter how horrible things get. You've got self mutilation, blind kids cutting their hands on glass, some creepy doll, Anna Faris as some vacant and less-than-subtle crazy lesbian, bloody serial killings and a generally cruel, foul atmosphere. You care about May but at the same time, if she was YOUR friend you&

Very few films manage to get everything wrong but every so often one comes along ( The Room , Troll 2 ) and reminds us just how rubbish a rubbish film can be. Enter Dungeons and Dragons, a film so awful it literally auto-erased itself from our memories...until we remembered Jeremy Irons that is! Irons really saves D&D from being THE worst film of the noughties (congrats Tommy Wiseau, your title remains intact!), his intense overacting bringing hilarity at every turn. The man appears to ejaculate in every shot and his cartoonish madness rivals even the wackiest of Jim Carrey performances. Jeremy Irons is, in a word, unbelievable here and D&D is worth watching if only to watch the guy flip out and make cum faces whilst holding phallic rods and sceptres. He is given fine hammy support by Bruce Payne, whose blue lipstick, ear worms, slow speech and constant silly face-making makes for one of the silliest looking/sounding henchmen in any film. And although the leads come in the