TheRetroCritic

Looking back, two things bother me about Rubber : 1/ It's a movie about a tyre. 2/ I was genuinely excited about watching a movie about a tyre. Both suggest that not only is the film a slight effort to say the least but that my life is well and truly empty. I mean, the movie's playful marketing was hinting at Grindhouse -style mayhem complete with tons of gore and fun tongue-in-cheek self awareness. Sadly, the latter proved more right than I could have ever imagined. Hell, the film spends a good hour and a half referencing itself, joking about its own rubbish and not only breaking the fourth wall but penetrating it with its own tyre-shaped penis. I'll leave it to you guys to picture that. I like lols as much as the next guy and I loved the likes of Planet Terror and Hobo With A Shotgun , films which, though self-aware, actually really entertaining, funny and cool movies in their own right. But Rubber goes for an almost arty, indie-type vibe and jokes about its

Drive Angry probably boasts THE best storyline of the year so far: Nicolas Cage breaks out of Hell in a car. I'll repeat that: breaks out of HELL, in a CAR. This is gonna be sweeeeet! The trailers promised extreme Grindhouse-style silliness the likes of which Robert Rodriguez ( Planet Ter ror, Machete ) would be proud of with Nic Cage at his wackiest, exciting (read: ridiculous) action scenes and plenty of facepalm-inducing dialogs. Alas, you'll need to lower your expectations just a little if you are to truly enjoy Drive Angry. There was a great film in there somewhere (great as in so bad it's good, of course) but, unfortunately, something went wrong along the way. For one thing, Cage is at his most soporific here and goes for monotone swagger rather than Bad Lieutenant -type goofiness. Which is not to say he doesn't entertain: seeing the guy fully dressed having sex whilst blasting the bad guys with a giant gun, standing randomly staring at fire or saying the wo

There's no easier target for spoofs than old sci-fi B movies, especially if Ed Wood is somehow involved. With their cheesy effects, cheap costumes and sets, below par actors, ridiculous dialogs and storylines: they're great but of course they're riddled with comedy gold. It is surprising that there aren't more films like The Lost Skeleton of Cadavra out there...so lets just be happy this one exists! Where to start? From the offset, it's pretty clear that Larry Blamire's film will not take itself seriously for a second: you get the overuse of the word "science", a material called "atmospherium", aliens in silver jumpsuits, a plastic fish monster, a half-woman half-forest animals character named Animala, obvious, redundant dialogs, unmotivated dancing...and a talking, walking, sarcastic skeleton. What more could you possibly ask for? Fans of Ed Wood and old B movies will be in heaven here as the silliness escalates to a titanic battle be

Yet another overhyped monster movie in the vein of Cloverfield and Skyline . Thankfully though, Monsters is miles better than both films put together...still overhyped...but very decent nonetheless. The fact the monsters themselves are sidelined in favour of a cute romance and an actually effective and well-paced build up is both refreshing and frustrating. The post-apocalyptic look of the film is spot-on and the leads' perilous journey is pretty gripping throughout. It's just a shame we never actually build up to anything beyond two giant squid aliens making out... No but in all fairness this is a low-budget B movie and for that it's very well made and is admittedly a lot of fun. It certainly puts the odious, intelligence-insulting Skyline to shame and avoids the intensely annoying first act character intros Cloverfield put us through without also ramming the whole home-movie crap into our faces for 2 hours. Overall, well worth a look and one of the bes

You know those old B movies where you don't see the monster until the last 10 minutes and until then you're made to sit through a slow-moving narrative and endless shots of people walking around in dark rooms looking perplexed? Well, The Reptile is one of those movies. But is the payoff worth it? Almost. There is fun to be had throughout this Hammer horror thriller: Noel Willman is great as the troubled and decidedly odd Dr Franklyn, the Reptile looks the business and there are enough anomalies in the film itself to keep fans of bad movies nitpicking and entertained. The lighting is all over the place: with a single candle lighting a whole house and day turning to night back and forth without rhyme or reason. The continuity is often questionable, the locations cheap-looking and some scenes are clearly either missing entirely or awkwardly there to fill in a gap. Overall, The Reptile is one for the more patient viewers: it's not particularly exciting and t

Skyline is to movies what my dung is to gourmet cooking. I've seen some bad films this year. I mean, for the love of god I saw Furry Vengeance ! But this was BAD. Oh my days...where do I start? I think saying Skyline is derivative is understating things quite a bit: Skyline has nothing new or interesting to offer. Sure there are special effects but they're hardly impressive and it just looks like someone played Crysis on their PC and pasted some alien ships from the game in an otherwise derelict straight-to-video sci-fi turkey. Oh, and the aliens look like vaginas. I kid you not: vaginas. What is it derivative of? Cloverfield , War of the Worlds , every sci-fi film EVER MADE? What is really painful about Skyline, I must say, is the acting. Holy god the acting... Skyline has some of the worst acting I have seen in a very long time. It is shameful that these people were even paid for such horrendous performances. It made The Happening look like A Clockwork

Clive Barker's classic horror/fantasy may not have aged quite as well as it should have but there's still enough decent gooey effects, silly 80's haircuts and general weirdness to entertain. The concept is pretty out there but the originality and creativity involved make it work nonetheless. There is a certain clunkiness in the acting and direction which adds a B movie quality to the proceedings and the whole thing has the expected charm of a cult 80's horror flick. With Pinhead and his trio of sadistic ghouls stealing the show. Unfortunately they only cameo in this first instalment and one would need to check out the infinitely crazier Hellraiser II for more of these ugly bastards. Overall, this is good old-fashioned silly, slimy fun and a trip that will probably put you off fresh meat or anything flesh-like for a little while. The random stretch-out "Jesus Wept!" scene at the end alone is worth it though, trust me. Check it out.