TheRetroCritic

How I missed a film like The Game all these years is beyond me. Ok, I'll admit I rarely flock to Michael Douglas movies but this is one of the good ones. Douglas plays a cold, wealthy financier whose brother's (Sean Penn) birthday present turns out to be one hell of a mind-f***. What follows is a thrilling descent into madness and although the ending doesn't exactly live up to the incredible build-up preceding it, it's all about the ride and David Fincher proves just how brilliant he is at keeping his viewers on the edge of their seat right up until the very last shot. This is a film which does remarkably well when it comes to keeping the viewer guessing throughout whilst always being one step ahead. By the end, Michael Douglas may be understandably emotionally devastated but we're left still expecting one more trick up the movie's sleeve. Like a final mega-twist or something. This doesn't really happen but like I said: it's all about the ride. And

After all the hype, The Artist was a film I almost wanted to dislike, even if it did star Best Frenchman Ever Jean Dujardin and dared to be a black & white silent film at a time when 3D, CGI and superheroes are kind of a given. I resisted but, like it or not, The Artist is a good film: a very good film, in fact. Not the masterpiece the critics unanimously agreed upon but definitely one to watch. For those who actually do watch old movies on a regular basis this is a tough movie to warm up to at first seeing how shamelessly derivative it is but most will love it instantly. For a while, frankly I reallycouldn't figure out what was actually original about The Artist in any way... You've got the plot of Singin' In The Rain , characters straight out of All About Eve , The Red Shoes or Sunset Boulevard and a dog straight out of... Beverly Hills Chihuahua ? Seriously, people need to stop raving on about that blasted mutt! Is everyone 5 years old?! I like that he saves

For a film about downsizing, Up In The Air really doesn't have much to say on the matter except, well, that it's a painful experience. But that's hardly an innovative notion. As a character study though, Up In The Air is pretty good with George Clooney's Ryan not exactly the kind of guy you expect to end up liking but you do anyway. It's light, breezy, funny, stylish and pretty entertaining.  The Oscar buzz feels undeserved though, as good as Clooney is, his performance doesn't exactly leap off the screen and as fun as the film is, it doesn't have much to say besides the old Disney message that families are "good". Unlike Reitman's  Thank You For Smoking  which was far more convincing as a similar type of study. Overall, see it, just don't expect  Lost in Translation .  

Soon after the first Pink Panther film, Blake Edwards jumped straight into a second instalment, this time focusing on the first film's scene-stealing inspector in an infinitely more cartoony outing. This was always my favourite. For one thing its Agatha Christie-style plot works brilliantly and is far more involving than David Niven's rather bland cat burglar story: it all builds-up to a classic ending reminiscent of Hercule Poirot's last-minute suspect reunions but far more goofy and catastrophic. The film is beautifully made and once again boasts a fantastic score from musical deity Henry Mancini, one which boldly doesn't solely rely on that famous Pink Panther theme but instead blends a new terrific theme with haunting, amazing tune The Shadows Of Paris . Edwards has done it again: another instalment which looks, sounds and feels just perfect. Peter Sellers is given more of the same to do in the first act but he soon gets a chance to really get silly: cue cou

Ok, remember how boring and soulless Clash Of The Titans was? Wow. ACTUALLY badass. Well, we shall see... Lets not build a false myth!  *canned laughter*

It's tough to beat a Bond movie at the box office, especially if your film is a B movie about cold fusion and goofy disguises. Tomorrow Never Dies was released the same year as The Saint and it's easy to see why the Val Kilmer-starring vehicle faded away into nothing. For crying out loud, Never Dies had a remote controlled BMW! The Saint had Elisabeth Shue with a heart condition. That the latter was turned down by a plethora of actors from Mel Gibson to Arnold Schwarzenegger is no surprise. All the ingredients for a fun light-hearted thriller are there and yet The Saint suffers from having one of the least inspired scripts I've seen in a long time. Who thought this was interesting? Some stock Russian gangsters want to steal the formula for cold fusion in order to fix some unlikely election. Meanwhile, some guy called Simon Templar helps them but then doesn't. THE END.  For aaaaages.  116 minutes on THAT boring-ass story? Surely you jest. The opening titles of T

So I'm watching 1997 flop thriller The Saint starring Val Kilmer and Elisabeth Shue when I decide to check out Wikipedia for more info about the film. A film which involves Russian gangsters, cold fusion and... Ok, it only involves these things. But lets see what Wiki has to say all the same: Sophisticated ones? Lets see... U-huh... I see... Fair enough. Seems accurate enough. WAIT...

Hands up who wanted a prequel to The Thing ? Really? Come on! No one cares about the Norwegians? Well now you have to, for here is their story. Yes it follows almost every single key scene from the original film to the letter, but why wouldn't something this crazy happen twice in two different places just around the corner from each other? Because Hollywood knows better, that's why. So indeed we finally get to see the untold story of the Norwegians, who were the first to uncover the Thing before Kurt Russell and the gang even had a look at it. This time we get Mary Elizabeth Winstead being called into a base in Antarctica to help dig the titular whatchamacallit out of the ice. You know what happens next: Thing breaks out, people scream, paranoia sets in, it all becomes a "whoisit" (as opposed to whodunit) and it all ends in flames. That this The Thing remake isn't a disaster is almost shocking. Replacing practical effects as amazing as the ones in J

Sex, gender, horror and betrayal have all been recurring themes in Pedro Almodovar's works for a long time but never have all these been put together in quite such an arresting and original way as in The Skin I Live In, a film which mixes sci-fi, surrealism and Frankenstein -style madness into a unique creation to say the least, one you're not likely to forget any time soon. The Hitchcockian flair Almodovar has often demonstrated has somehow matured into a meticulous manipulation of both content and viewer. Here's a story which is told to us unchronologically, with the filmmaker handing out information on characters and plot little by little, crumb by crumb until everything builds up to one of the best twists in any film which will leave you wanting to rush back into the cinema straight after the end credits have rolled. The horror of the unfolding events never quite sinks in until the very last shot and characters you perceived a certain way change radically so that y

Here's a little film which I saw ages ago and talked about long before its release (Gibson + Beaver = lols) but never actually got around to reviewing. Why? Well, I quite simply didn't know what to make of it. Sold as a kind of harmless, cute indie comedy, The Beaver looked like fun and the very idea of Mel Gibson with a cockney beaver hand-puppet alone made me very happy indeed. Imagine my surprise then when the film ends in the most unsubtly depressing way imaginable! I won't spoil it but jeesh! So it all starts off as a kind of happy-go-lucky dramedy about a guy going through a mental breakdown and finding salvation in the titular beaver. The Beaver helps him through a difficult time in his life and it all seems to be heading towards a nice little Disney-approved ending. Then Mel fights The Beaver. Literally. It's HILARIOUS. But then it's followed by something so dramatically crazy your jaw will probably drop as you suddenly find yourself in a very

No complaints so far, looks epic. Your thoughts?

Making a good film involving talking apes throwing spears has never been an easy task. The Charlton Heston-starring original almost feels like a fluke in that it did everything right with content that could so easily have been botched-up. I mean, what's sillier than apes riding horses? I'll tell you. CGI apes riding horses. Yes, many of the old Planet Of The Apes sequels failed to capture the original's stature, yes the TV series didn't have the budget needed and yes the Tim Burton remake is the director's worst achievement to date. And yet I would gladly sit through Mark Wahlberg's soulless journey once again rather than rewatch this new offering. Why, do you ask? Seen the trailers? Really what it comes down to is the sheer irrelevance that this entire production displays. The "rise" of the apes has been pretty much covered left and right in previous instalments besides, here's one film which will no doubt ruin the end twist of the ori

I wonder how many kids growing up reading Dr Seuss' Cat In The Hat ever pictured an overweight Alec Baldwin holding a six-pack of beer in the story let alone Mike Myers in cat drag! Oh well... Initially the film looks appropriately quirky and cartoonish but soon we realise that the story mostly takes place in a living room so goodbye slick CGI suburbia, hello boring pastel-coloured...indoors. Because that's what kids enjoy: Indoors. Anyway, you remember everything that didn't work in Ron Howard's The Grinch ? The noisy, chaotic direction, the messy musical numbers, the intrusive score, the erratic editing, the overacting... Yeah that's all back. The Grinch could be forgiven for being a Christmas movie and for having an ever entertaining Jim Carrey as the titular green grump. Here, however, we're given a rushed, dumb, predictable mess of a kids film with Mike Myers desperately trying to insert some jokes here and there and there's really no re

Following a popular franchise like Austin Powers was never going to be easy so it's no big surprise that The Love Guru tanked upon its release. What is surprising though is the general hate the film generated from critics. I mean, ok, I'm not gonna pretend this is any good but there are far worse films out there. One only needs to look to Myers' buddy Dana Carvey and his little nugget Master Of Disguise , a film so unfunny it's actually sad. Admittedly The Love Guru does a lot of things wrong: Justin Timberlake and Jessica Alba are both typically awful, Ben Kingsley as a cross-eyed Indian guru is disturbing, the whole thing is a sports movie (*puke*) and the central romance is about as interesting as Fat Bastard's ass. Oh, and a lot of the jokes just don't work. Then again, Mike Myers is genuinely fun even if he does turn into Dr Evil or Austin Powers occasionally, there are some good jokes here and there and the whole thing is pretty entertaining. Sure

Or, as it should be called: "Look Ma I'm in a European Movie!", The American is an odd creation in that it feels like a French or German thriller produced by Steven Soderbergh with Clooney in the middle of it all. Which is not to say it has no value: it's actually surprisingly tense and gripping even if not much at all actually happens. Clooney once again gives a fair but hardly earth-shattering dramatic performance and makes me wish, once again, that I was watching him in another gloriously wacky Coen Brothers movie. That said, he does well here and clearly enjoys the quirks of being in a European movie (Violante Placido is pretty much naked the entire time). Story-wise: he makes a weapon for some ominous hit-woman, falls in love with a prostitute, speaks to a priest for some reason...and a whole bunch of inevitable yet perplexing stuff happens right at the end. The American won't change your life but occasionally it does surprise you with a nea

The poor man's Knight and Day ? Perhaps not. Depp and Jolie are hardly the B sides of Cruise and Diaz. If anything The Tourist is a more laid-back alternative to the pumped up nonsense of Knight and Day. Both films have similarities though in that they are both throwbacks to Hitchcockian spy movies in the vein of North By Northwest and To Catch a Thief . So which works better? I suppose it depends what you're in the mood for. If you're in need of some Mission Impossible -style silliness with multiple chase scenes and explosions then Knight and Day just about hits the spot. If however you want something just as silly but a tad more focused and sophisticated then The Tourist is a better bet: no dodgy CGI or slo-mo plane explosions there. Although The Tourist is far from perfect and is closer to Salt than anything else, it feels like it's suffered some unfair bashing. The chemistry between both leads and the predictable end "twist" being the k