TheRetroCritic

Oh dear... This is what happens when you go snooping around a popular actor's filmography. Benny & Joon , a Johnny Depp-starring weirdo comedy in which he plays a Charlie Chaplin wannabe who, for whatever reason, starts baby-sitting some moody guy's mentally challenged (or, in movie talk: artistic, quirky and misunderstood) sister, sounded like fun. I mean, Johnny Depp wouldn't sign up to a rom-com unless there was something a bit more to it. Right? As it turns out, the guy clearly just wanted an excuse to be Chaplin/Buster Keaton for a day and show off his... slapstick magic... 'skills'? The problem? Benny & Joon isn't funny. Furthermore, Depp isn't funny in it. And by god he tries... I mean, ok, parts of the movie get close to being charming (near the very end, mostly) but most of the time you're just waiting for Benny to punch Sam's (Depp) face in. This is a manipulative little film not so much concerned with developing its

Johnny Deep is "Worst Director Of All Time" Edward D. Wood Jr. in this stylish Tim Burton biopic/hommage which looks at the man's rise to... making Plan 9 From Outer Space , his biggest and "best" movie, and his friendship with ageing icon Bela Lugosi. How much of the movie is based on facts is hard to say, parts of it are clearly anecdotal, others feel put on for the sake of the narrative or character development. Did Ed Wood really help Bela Lugosi check into rehab? Possibly. Did he ever bump into Orson Welles in a bar and have a deep conversation with him? Probably not. It doesn't matter though, this isn't so much about presenting an accurate depiction of Wood's personal life as it is celebrating the guy's passionate drive for what he does (or at least tries to do) and his quirky-ass career. Was he deluded? Perhaps. His films were certainly not well made. But this is a guy who went through hell trying to make his trashy sci-fi monster mo

Further proof that the Depp/Burton formula CAN work beyond Edward Scissorhands and Ed Wood , Sleepy Hollow sees the tale of the Headless Horseman being told through a Hammer horror-style flick complete with a creepy forest, dodgy townspeople, witches, curses and a cowardly prim-and-proper lead. Depp is Ichabod Crane, a character usually depicted as butt-ugly but this time... not so, the science-minded investigator from New York who finds himself looking for logic in the small town of Sleepy Hollow when strange head-choppin' murders start mysteriously taking place. Soon enough, a skeptical Crane finally gives in to the idea of a headless horseman and adapts to the supernatural in order to find who really is behind all this. As straight-forward as it sounds, this is one surprisingly complex plot so you'll have to pay attention if you're going to even get the 'Scooby Doo' reveal at the end. This is Tim Burton still at his most creative and although I've sai

Tim Burton being the movie wizard of my childhood, people who know me at all will know that I’m somewhat biased when it comes to Burton’s films but that said, I will attempt to objectively review this one fairly and without any emo fanboy nonsense. Then again… Dark Shadows was wicked cool you guys!!! I’m kidding, it was fine. As trendy as it is these days to pan anything Mr Burton does, sadly this review won't. I mean, granted his movies post- Mars Attacks haven’t really reached the heights of his earlier works but a so-so Tim Burton movie tends to still be way more fun than most other films of that type and Dark Shadows is no exception. Actually, there aren’t many movies of that type making this the most original Burton film in years. The mix of overdramatic soap opera and Hammer-style horror is rare but works brilliantly here. Watch as vampires and witches worry about their seafood businesses in an unknown shitty little town. Seafood lol Actually,

Excited about Dark Shadows ? I am! Then again it's in my DNA to flock to Tim Burton movies regardless of what they are so... Groovy posters! Heeeere's Johnny... Eva Green looking fab... Cool ghost lady... Hit Girl putting the "cool" in... Dark Shadows... A Burton graduate back for more strangeness... And last but not least Mrs Burton herself. Yes, she is in this. Crazier things have happened. Anyway, movie looks fun, lets hope it is! More posters available on the Empire website.

Yes, the trailer is finally here and BOY is it wacky! Click on the new poster to watch :) So not the gothic drama I thought they were gonna go for lol What do you guys think?

Some new pics from Tim Burton's upcoming Dark Shadows have recently popped up online: lol Eva Green, Michelle Pfeiffer and Helena Bonham Carter looking very suspicious indeed.

Jack Sparrow returns in this new Pirates of the Caribbean spin-off which finally discards of Keira Knightley and Mr Bloom to focus on Depp's very own adventure on the search for the Fountain of Youth. Director Gore Verbinski is replaced by Rob Marshall so this looked set to be a very different movie indeed. Well, different in an...exactly the same sort of way... To be fair you've got new faces: Penelope Cruz, Ian McShane, some mermaid, some priest... But even they feel familiar. The priest/mermaid lovey-dovey stuff is pure Keira/Orlando nonsense, McShane's Black Beard stands in for Bill Nighy's Davy Jones and Cruz is a 3 dimensional version of a tougher Keira Knightley we've seen in the previous Pirates movie. Story-wise, you've got no less than 4 teams of people (pirates, Spanish people, Barbossa...) all hunting down the Fountain of MacGuffins but of course there's plenty of double-crosses, magic and pointless rules on the way. Why one can't sim

Sure, the very idea of a trippy animation in which Johnny Depp plays a chameleon wearing a Hawaiian shirt ALONE is amazing. But can that image hold up an entire film on its own? Hmmmm, barely. To be fair, this being Gore Verbinski's first venture into animation, this was never going to be pitch-perfect. Then again Wes Anderson's first attempt with Fantastic Mr Fox was pretty polished. I will say this, though: the film looks great. Visually, it is definitely impressive. Although I will nitpick and say that there are way too many close-ups throughout. Like, ok, do we NEED to see every scale on that snake's face? Can't we just assume it has them? Rango really is an ode to Depp. You've got a Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas reference, you've got a whole bit where Rango displays his acting chops (one of his characters being, ahem, a pirate)...and yes Depp is great in this. Most of the cast is actually pretty good too. The problem, well, one of them, unfortunat

The poor man's Knight and Day ? Perhaps not. Depp and Jolie are hardly the B sides of Cruise and Diaz. If anything The Tourist is a more laid-back alternative to the pumped up nonsense of Knight and Day. Both films have similarities though in that they are both throwbacks to Hitchcockian spy movies in the vein of North By Northwest and To Catch a Thief . So which works better? I suppose it depends what you're in the mood for. If you're in need of some Mission Impossible -style silliness with multiple chase scenes and explosions then Knight and Day just about hits the spot. If however you want something just as silly but a tad more focused and sophisticated then The Tourist is a better bet: no dodgy CGI or slo-mo plane explosions there. Although The Tourist is far from perfect and is closer to Salt than anything else, it feels like it's suffered some unfair bashing. The chemistry between both leads and the predictable end "twist" being the k

And you thought John Waters had matured...shame on you. Not since Pink Flamingos has such absurd silliness been put to film in such an anarchic way. What is this 2004 effort like? Lets see, take the disturbing aspect of David Cronenberg's Crash : the idea of getting hurt and henceforth being sexually liberated in some way. Then add the colourful, over-romanticised look of Chocolat . Ok? Got that? Right, now ejaculate on it and you've got yourself A Dirty Shame: a film so filthy it's...filthy. Waters has a talent for getting OTT, ridiculous, disgusting characters to say the dumbest but funniest lines. One example would be: "Isn't it weird that all the men in this neighbourhood have penises?" or of course: "Lets go SEXING!". The film itself is directed in a way that's almost trippy and the whole thing builds up to some of the most entertaining and mind-blowing nonsense you're likely to see. Trees turning into orifices, Davi