TheRetroCritic

I compile 20 of the worst lines from Shaq's infamous superhero outing Steel . It's on now!

In this second episode, the Agent Of F.I.L.M faces his darkest, most challenging case yet as he reviews low-budget superhero film Iron Hero . For the first episode in which the Agent takes on HorrorVision , click here.

After looking at the worst Marvel villains , I thought it might be interesting (and fair) to list some of DC's worst movie baddies. 10 TWO-FACE Batman Forever If you've ever wondered what Two-Face would have looked like in the old Adam West Batman TV series, then you might want to check out Batman Forever . To this day, it's a mystery how Joel Schumacher managed to get such a manic, over-the-top performance out of the typically deadpan Tommy Lee Jones who has never been this nutty. This Two-Face is not only far from sinister, he's basically a more purple version of The Joker and it's pretty clear that Tommy Lee Jones is trying too hard to pull off a Jack Nicholson and compete with Jim Carrey's even more OTT Riddler. A silly interpretation of one of the most tragic, creepy and interesting Batman villains. 9 SELENA Supergirl If you haven't seen Supergirl , Selena is a wannabe witch who, through sheer coincidence, gets her hands on

Back when Shaquille O'Neal was in movies because... basketball (?) we got Steel , a superhero movie based on the DC comics character with good old Shaq in the lead. Willingly ignoring the whole Superman connection to the character save for a shot of Shaq's "Man Of Steel" tattoo, the film instead decides to do its own thing with Steel by packing the story with new supporting characters and giving him another, simpler origin story. Released the same year as Spawn , Steel unfortunately failed to wow critics and audiences alike and it's still seen as one of the most misguided comic-book films out there. Despite a healthy budget, Steel still managed to look cheap somehow with the hero's costume not looking metallic so much as it looked rubbery and thrown together. Shaq's performance also left a lot to be desired as his constant toothy grins and stiff demeanour didn't exactly sell Steel as a moody tough guy going around the streets of Los Angeles making

And then it all went to s***... I realise the true meaning of being whipped as I tackle Stage 10 of Castlevania on NES. Expect foul language and lots of deaths.

I try to play Super Pitfall and soon realise that the April Fool is, in fact, me. You can expect swearing in this one, lots of swearing.

Uwe Boll directs this loose video game-to-movie adaptation of the Dungeon Siege series, spending a whopping $60M on it making it the director's most expensive flop to date. The film stars Jason Statham as a farmer amusingly called "Farmer" whose farm, along with most of the kingdom, is one day invaded by demonic knights controlled by sorcerer Gallian (Ray Liotta) who is working with the King's (played by Burt Reynolds) slimy nephew Duke Fallow (an over-the-top Matthew Lillard) in an attempt to overthrow King Konreid. Farmer joins forces with his friend Norick (Ron Perlman) to try and save his wife and child and get to the bottom of this whole mess using his trusty boomerang. Don't ask. While the film boasts some decent visual effects here and there, its ambitions of emulating the Lord Of The Rings trilogy (John Rhys-Davies even has a role) falls resoundingly short as, not only is the story needlessly convoluted and really not all that interesting but th

I count down 10 of the most random moments from Uwe Boll's In The Name Of The King . Yup, only 10.

I pick my silliest moments from the film  Invisible Dad .

Long before Robert Zemeckis motion-captured the heck out of Beowulf , Christopher Lambert starred in this low budget sci-fi version of the story and the good news is that it was, indeed, about as good as it sounds. And by that I mean both terrible and extremely amusing. The 1999 film sets itself up as some kind of epic but it quickly runs out of budget after a mere one minor battle and 90% of the action then takes place inside a poorly-lit castle where, we're told, Beowulf must battle the beast Grendel and his vengeful mother. Unfortunately, the creature only seems to show up at night and the movie doesn't seem to have anything planned for the daytime scenes so expect a ridiculous amount of dull conversations about nothing and people inexplicably eating in current-day foil take-out boxes. Also, since the film finds itself visibly desperate for anything watchable about 20 minutes in it soon resorts to gratuitous cleavage and sex scenes, cheap comic-relief and slasher movi

While I managed to skilfully 90% of what looked to be a bad bunch of movies from Jem And The Holograms to Poltergeist, I was still subjected to a few stinkers. Some of them I somehow didn't hate though understandably everyone else did ( Mortdecai , The Ridiculous Six ), some of them just didn't do it for me at all. This is THEIR Top 10! 10 SPY/FURIOUS 7 Couldn't decide which of these two to include or not include so let's go with both. Truth be told, I didn't hate these two films: Spy was a passable comedy, Furious 7 was amusingly over-the-top. Problem is, Spy is instantly forgettable and felt forced more than it didn't and Furious 7 was way dumber than it probably should have been not too mention about an hour too long and inferior to most of its predecessors. Decent send-off to Paul Walker at the end, though. 9 CHAPPIE Ok so here's the thing: I really like Neil Blomkamp's other movies ( Elysium , District 9 ) but, despite

Here's an old Top 10 of mine I just realised I never posted on this here blog! Ah Howard The Duck , welcome back. It's an oldie, but a goodie ;)

Agent Of F.I.L.M. is a new review-based series in which a special agent working for a secret organisation investigates movie-related murders and other crimes in order to determine if some films are so bad they should be eradicated. In this first all-new episode, the Agent and his trusty computer take a look at trashy cyber-horror flick HorrorVision .

There's a fine line between over-the-top and just plain preposterous. Back in the late 90's, a bunch of people actually thought that having Nicolas Cage and John Travolta literally switch faces in a big-budget action thriller was a good idea and thus, Face/Off was made. To be fair, that does sound like the best thing ever. And, in a way, it kind of is. I mean, don't get me wrong, this is one really dumb flick but in terms of sheer ridiculous fun, it works brilliantly. Not only do you have John Travolta overacting his face off but you've got The Cage himself overacting his face off, both actors somehow trying to outdo themselves throughout in the let's-be-cartoon-characters department. It certainly helps that directing the film is the king of clichéd OTT cop thrillers, John " Mission: Impossible 2 " Woo, a man for whom doves and Mexican stand-offs are not only worth having in every movie but are a must. The plot is utter goofball nonsense from t

Don't you just love early 90's anime features that are completely and utterly, unapologetically insane? I do! 1991's Psychic Wars is the story of a surgeon, Ikuyo, who removes a tumour from an old woman's body only to find that the "cancer" itself is not only alive but is, in fact, an ancient demon entity that dates back 5000 years. Ikuyo finds the remains of an ancient city (good thing it was nearby) when he somehow gets these Green Lantern-style superpowers which allow him to defeat the evil blob and travel back to Earth's past in order to fight and defeat all those demons which are threatening to travel to the future and take over the world. Ikuyo's powers include glowing, jumping really high, breathing underwater, not dying when stabbed several times, making weapons appear out of thin air and punching demons in the balls like a badass. Luckily, for an army of mighty demons, there really aren't that many of them so Ikuyo's job isn'

That's exactly what video game movies needed: another kick in the balls. Uwe Boll's BloodRayne is now, of course, somewhat infamous for being one of his own most consistently flawed films and yet it somehow spawned not one but two sequels. A typical B-movie cast is assembled as the likes of Ben "way too good for this" Kingsley, Michael Madsen and Michelle Rodriguez walk around wearing bad wigs, goofy make-up and silly costumes either over-acting or under-acting their asses off. The plot follows Rayne (Kristanna Loken), a half-vampire half-human out for revenge against Kagan (Kingsley), the king of the vampires, for what he did to her family. While on her quest she meets a positively drunk Michael Madsen, a moody Michelle Rodriguez, not to mention Meat Loaf, Billy Zane and Udo Kier. It's like someone stole the Big 2000's B-Movie Rolodex and called everyone on there. The movie goes for Resident Evil / Underworld -style action cool (except set in the 18th c

It's Review A Bad Game Day and, in honour of this most excellent event, I talk about something I probably shouldn't: Fight Club on the Playstation 2. Click below for all the sweet, SWEET reviews RABGD has to offer.

And you thought Pacific Rim was a crappy title... Yes, Atlantic Rim is the infamous B-movie-making machine that is The Asylum's own take on the new Robot Jox -style blockbuster. Taking the rough idea of big robots (with people in 'em) versus big reptilian monsters, we are once again given a healthy dose of godawful performances and cheap CGI. The one kinda known actor in this one is Graham Greene, who was most recently seen in The Twilight Saga . He plays an admiral in a movie which, sadly, isn't much of a step up from the teen vampire franchise. After an oil rig gets sunk by something no-one can explain, a group of pilots are sent down underwater inside giant robots to find the wreckage and stop whatever is causing such chaos. Why the army had Transformers in the first place and why they couldn't have just sent cameras down to the ocean floor instead of risking lives and billions of dollars is still beyond me. In any event, we focus on a pilot trio who are all

In the dark, unfriendly future of... 1999, school has become a crime-infested madhouse so the only solution to keep students on the right track, surely, has to be the introduction of unpredictable killer robots into the classroom, right? ...right? Well, Malcolm McDowell thought so. That'll teach him to trust a clearly evil dude who looks like a killer robot himself and put him in charge of the dumbest plan since those aliens invaded Earth in Signs . We follow three kids: NOT Edward Furlong (who looks about 40), NOT James Franco and NOT Corey Feldman, as they clash with the system and eventually bring it down Terminator -style. The film is completely derivative of every other sci-fi film at the time from Mad Max to RoboCop but uses a non-budget to non-impressive effect as most of its practical effects end up coming off as more lol-tastic than actually good. I guess I can't complain about that since they're the most entertaining part of this otherwise mostly dull an

Well, it had to happen. I had to watch it. After the hype that both The Human Centipede and this one received, I was once again lured by curiosity alone into Tom Six's demented world of disgusting things. The premise this time focusing on a near-mute psycho, a big fan of the first movie, who decides to make his own human centipede. Sadly, he's no doctor. Unlike The Human Centipede, which didn't waste too much time before bringing out the goofiness, The Human Centipede 2 takes it sweet-ass time and makes sure to take us through every painstaking step of the process. Our main character, as stereotypically foul of a creature as you'd expect, attacks people in the parking garage where he works in brutal ways before kidnapping them and dumping them in some out-of-the-way warehouse where he proceeds to staple them ass-to-mouth for shits and giggles.  Literally: shits and giggles. Before that, we get to spend time with his crazy mother and some weird bearded psychi