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TEXAS CHAINSAW 3D - REVIEW

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Oh boy... Just when you think a franchise can't sink any lower... That Michael Bay-produced remake was just what I expected it to be: dumb, annoying, shot like a music video, missing the point of the original completely. I frankly couldn't stand that movie. Then, Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning came out and, as unnecessary as it was, it was surprisingly not that bad. It still ripped off Tobe Hooper's first film to death but it was harmless enough as far as random prequels go. Then we get Texas Chainsaw 3D and, shockingly, we get what is quite probably the worst of the bunch! Boy I'm glad we rebooted that franchise! Aren't you? The film opens on blurred, cheaply 3D-ed footage from the original The Texas Chainsaw Massacre film and although they've somehow managed to make it look rubbish, it's still good enough to put you in the right mood. We're then brought forward to just after the events of the film and it turns out that a bunch o

TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE (2003) - REVIEW

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Oh dear... I don't know what annoys me most, that this movie was ever made or that people actually really like it and even go as far as saying it surpasses the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre sometimes! Let's call it a draw. Both statements annoy me equally. Michael Bay once again gets one of his music video director friends onboard and, once again, they royally screw it up. Hey, how about getting a real FILM director next time? With all these awful horror remakes, Bay really has revealed himself to be an incompetent producer as well as an incompetent director. The first Friday The 13th I could see being remade so that didn't bother me too much, A Nightmare On Elm Street didn't need a remake, especially a dull one, but Texas Chainsaw Massacre is one of those classic horror films you just don't remake. There's just no point. It's like that remake of Psycho or that Stephen King The Shining TV movie. Who asked for THOSE?! Anyway, here we hav

TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE: THE NEXT GENERATION - REVIEW

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The fourth film in the Texas Chainsaw Massacre series comes with an unlikely cast and a brand new bunch of psychos, though we do get a Leatherface of sorts. No Texas Chainsaw Massacre film has been quite as heavily panned as this one: barely anyone saw it and the few who did didn't like it. The Next Generation (originally released as The Return Of The Chainsaw Massacre ) sees a new bunch of teenagers driving off into the middle of nowhere before meeting up with a bizarre bunch of nuts. The Slaughters (that family's actual name lol) are led by Vilmer, a demented truck-drivin' Matthew McConaughey on full force complete with remote-controlled artificial leg and sadistic tendencies. Here's a guy who's not shy about having a major screw loose. He takes his time, savouring his victims' every scream and since he's not a cannibal (pizza's more his thing) like that other bunch of loons, his motivation is pretty much motivated by cruelty alone. Oh, also I