TheRetroCritic

Yes, "Snake Is Back". But this time: it ain't New York. That Escape From New York is, to this day, still seen as a sci-fi cult classic and Escape From L.A. remains something of a joke is hardly shocking. After all, this is mostly what this sequel/remake is, right?  A joke? I mean, luckily everyone involved seems to be in on it but it's the kind of thing that audiences just wouldn't necessarily get. Evil Dead II , for example, was essentially a remake of the first film, and a parody of it to a certain extent, but right off the bat, the sequel obviously had a very different, jokey vibe, plus it was a good, really entertaining movie so it worked. Here, it feels like the movie is taking the piss of itself but it's not really clear why so it just ends up being an altogether random experience. Especially since Escape From L.A. is basically a messier retread of the original plot-wise. And I think that's what kills the flick. Don'

You'd think a Die Hard film in which John McClane rides a plane, flies a car into a helicopter and runs Maggie Q over into an elevator shaft would be pretty darn classic. Well, somehow Die Hard 4.0 (or Live Free Or Die Hard ) found a way to not make that into the best THING that 2007 had to offer. This sequel sees Bruce Willis' NYPD cop (now detective) being assigned the task of picking up some computer hacker, played by a grating Justin Long, and bringing him to the FBI for questioning. As it turns out, the kid was used as a pawn by a terrorist organisation (run by Timothy Olyphant) to set-up a "firesale", basically a cyber attack resulting in financial meltdown. McClane and Matt (Long) are soon under fire and instead of sticking with the FBI they decide to take on Gabriel (Olyphant) themselves, which doesn't really seem like the most reasonable solution but hey. There'd be no movie otherwise. But this is partly why 4.0 doesn't really cu

Die Hard . How do you beat that movie in terms of action and sheer gripping suspense? I'll tell ya. With a vengeance, that's how. Don't get me wrong, I love Die Hard and it is a classic but when it comes down to it, it's pretty claustrophobic taking place mostly in that skyscraper and all. For me, Die Hard: With A Vengeance is just that little bit more glorious in that the entire city is at stake this time, you've got a villain which would give even the likes of Batman chest pains and it all takes off instantly. You thought Die Hard 2 lacked a certain je-ne-sais-quoi? Well here it is. That's another point: With A Vengeance continues the franchise without feeling like a retread, which Die Hard 2 was a bit, to a certain extent. This time around, John McClane's not exactly at the top of his game. He's been suspended from the police force, his marriage has gone down the drain once again and he's got a bad hangover. So when a new villain on

With Die Hard maestro John McTiernan not onboard for this sequel, it could have all gone wrong and our beloved McClane could have been left carrying a mediocre retread over his shoulders leaving the franchise to slowly go downhill after that. Thankfully, what we got was a retread, for sure, but a decent one with enough action and enough lols to carry us through to the next, superior, round. Arguably the least memorable of all Die Hard flicks, this sequel is commonly known as "the airport one" and, indeed, there's not much more to it. Once again it's Christmas and once again John McClane is stuck in one place trying to stop terrorists from pulling off some elaborate plan which just happens to involve his wife, kind of. This would all be much too familiar and dull if it weren't for the likes of Bruce Willis himself, who still does a top job as the iconic put-upon cop, a brilliantly creepy bunch of villains (including a chilling William Sadler) and some kicka

The film that started it all, Alien represents a director at the top of his game: Ridley Scott lends his classy, atmospheric, moody style to what is essentially a monster movie slasher horror flick and the result is both genuinely unnerving and unique. Not to mention friggin' great. Only very few Ridley Scott movies have that dream-like quality to them and although Alien is most definitely one of them, this is more of a nightmare than anything else. H. R. Giger's detailed, oppressive style shot so poetically creates an atmosphere that's comforting on the surface yet holds an underlying darkness and mean-spirited violent chaos at its heart. One second you're having a nice dinner with the crew, the next you've got blood spurting out of some guy's chest into your eyeballs. Yes Alien has that typical slasher template of people-being-killed-off-one-by-one-by-something-unpleasant but it's so well done you do get attached to those characters, no matter how

On paper, The Raven is awesome. Having Edgar Allan Poe try and solve murders linked to his own stories is a premise which could be used for just about any writer and... you know what? I'd be up for that franchise. Can you imagine? Jules Verne-themed murders with Jules Verne himself on the case? Tunneling down to the center of the Earth to find some crazed criminal in a hot-air balloon... Silly? Perhaps. But also pretty darn great. The Raven has a fun concept and although the reviews were rather harsh with it upon its release, this is a terrific little movie! Like Sleepy Hollow , The Raven brings back the vibe and gothic sensibilities of old Hammer horror movies and does so brilliantly creating a unique whodunit that's both camp and completely involving. This is mostly thanks to John Cusack's fun interpretation of the Poe character, the film's slick, moody look and, funnily enough, the love story at the heart of it all. Rare thing that, a romantic subplot in a th

In his third outing as Bond, Pierce Brosnan sure gave us a good show bringing his trilogy to an end in style with a film that, although not quite as good or memorable as its predecessors, made a worthy conclusion to one of 007's best eras. Before Die Another Day , that is... But The World Is Not Enough starts off with one of the longest (and best) pre-titles sequences around: Bond in an MI6 speedboat chasing a female terrorist around The Thames only to end with a hot-air balloon explosion and 007 rolling down the Millenium Dome. Check out Bond fixing his tie while underwater, boating on the road and cheekily splashing parking wardens. Then the plot kicks in as we learn that Robert Carlyle is Renard, a superhuman dude with a bullet in his head and Sophie Marceau's stripper-named Elektra King is an important part of the puzzle. Along the way, Bond meets Robbie Coltrane's always welcome sleaze-bag Valentin Zukovsky and Denise Richards who plays, ahem, nuclear physici

Cowboys & Aliens may still be fresh in our minds but that doesn't mean we should NOT have another movie with cowboys and aliens, right? ...right? Come on, you know those two things kick ass and you know you want it... again. That's how John Carter begins: like a moody old western complete with saloons, the cavalry, feather-wearing native Americans and Sergio Leone-style swagger. "Beans: beans is the first item..." "My name is Carter. John Carter." Cut to: MAGIC! Shazam! WHOOSH! Mars. Fair enough. I mean there's no need for Disney to screw around with horses and sarsaparilla and shit when you can just beam to Mars! So anyway, Mars looks great. It's like CGI heaven but the effects are actually awesome. Like Avatar awesome. You've got these kinda gross-looking green guys with four arms, their even grosser-looking babies, some bulldog-type fast-as-shit mutt and loads more goodies. The Mars humans, on the other hand, are

Going into The Hunger Games with no prior knowledge of the story or the book, with only a really vague trailer and a rough guess of it being like a kid-friendly Battle Royale -type deal, I was hardly dying to see it. But, desperate for a popcorn movie and half-aware of some decent reviews for it I decided to check it out in the hope of finding some sort of originality, simple entertainment or maybe, just maybe, some good old fashioned Battle Royale teen cruelty. So how did The Hunger Games "play out"? Not bad, as it happens. I mean, I'm amazed it's done so much better than John Carter financially since both films are just as enjoyable but I can understand the film being more accessible going in. For one thing the concept is fairly straight-forward and bears no resemblance to Flash Gordon in the slightest, and there's no sign of any intimidating use of Avatar -style CGI in what can only be described as the plot for a really epic, campy Saturday morning 8

My 2012 preview on Fotorater.com .

Adapting a play should be pretty straight-forward: you've got pretty much the whole script right there! But sometimes, movies and plays just don't translate well to each other. Surely a talented director like Roman Polanski would know how to side-step such an issue though. Right? Well... yes and no. From very early on, it's pretty clear that after a Haneke-style opening shot we'll pretty much be stuck in this one apartment with all the main characters for the entirety of the film. I can see why Polanski thought that would work: the claustrophobic setting coupled with the stress and awkwardness bouncing off the walls creating an unnerving sense of "get me the hell outta here!". Fine. It's a stagy concept but I can see it working. Unfortunately, not really the case here. Had the story progressed in a different, more chaotic and entertaining way then this could have worked brilliantly (see The Dinner Game ). But the banality of the core premise's

A lot has been said about M:I 2 . Most of it... not good. And yet it's always the first film that springs to mind when I think back to Tom Cruise's blockbusting franchise. The long hair, the motorbike, the slow-motion: THAT'S the ego-trip I'm talkin' about! Brian De Palma's slow-burning, tense first film and J.J. Abram's high-octane second sequel both great but somehow not quite as memorable as John Woo's overblown, over the top, super silly effort. And boy is it silly. From the offset, it's clear that The Cruiser has taken the idea of the ego-trip to a whole new level. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that Cruise couldn't climb a mountain by himself, without any safety equipment whatsoever and I'm not saying that this isn't a fun way to spend one's vacation but... Ok I'm saying that. But I like when he throws his sunglasses at us! In cornea-splittin' 2D! This Mission:Impossible outing really

After all the hype, The Artist was a film I almost wanted to dislike, even if it did star Best Frenchman Ever Jean Dujardin and dared to be a black & white silent film at a time when 3D, CGI and superheroes are kind of a given. I resisted but, like it or not, The Artist is a good film: a very good film, in fact. Not the masterpiece the critics unanimously agreed upon but definitely one to watch. For those who actually do watch old movies on a regular basis this is a tough movie to warm up to at first seeing how shamelessly derivative it is but most will love it instantly. For a while, frankly I reallycouldn't figure out what was actually original about The Artist in any way... You've got the plot of Singin' In The Rain , characters straight out of All About Eve , The Red Shoes or Sunset Boulevard and a dog straight out of... Beverly Hills Chihuahua ? Seriously, people need to stop raving on about that blasted mutt! Is everyone 5 years old?! I like that he saves

The pairing of Ferrell and Reilly should have been comedy gold, unfortunately Step Brothers only manages comedy bronze. Having said that, Step Brothers has a lot going for it and if you allow yourself to give in to the pleasantly retarded proceedings, you'll love it.  The step brothers in question clearly have a ball improvising and just being silly as they happily bring their own take on  Dumb and Dumber  to the 21st Century. In contrast to the chaotic buffoonery involved, Jon Brion provides a beautifully orchestrated, subtle score which manages to fit in very well even though it is somewhat out of Step Brothers' league.  Overall, Step Brothers may not be the single most memorable comedy you'll ever see but it's a bunch of fun for anyone willing to shut their brain off for a couple of hours, sit back and lol. 

  Actually being John Malkovich wouldn’t be too bad if it weren’t for… Making Mr Right . Now don’t get me wrong, I’m all for silly movies involving Malkovich and defective robot clones but only as long as they reach heights of completely enjoyable dumb. Thankfully, parts of Making Mr Right definitely qualify. Take the scene where the android’s ass ends up on his belly button: great but oh so short. Unfortunately the film just doesn’t live up to its idiotically great premise. Too much time is spent with Ann Magnuson’s Frankie as she’s putting on make-up/talking shit/going to meetings/driving around when we were promised early on an android with awesome super powers. Needless to say that once Malkovich’s robotic man-child finally leaves the lab to face the real world none of the expected badass stuff actually happens. Instead we get to see him hang around a mall, buy a suit and screw some side character off camera. It all builds up to a wedding, which frankly isn’t important to the

Hands up who wanted a prequel to The Thing ? Really? Come on! No one cares about the Norwegians? Well now you have to, for here is their story. Yes it follows almost every single key scene from the original film to the letter, but why wouldn't something this crazy happen twice in two different places just around the corner from each other? Because Hollywood knows better, that's why. So indeed we finally get to see the untold story of the Norwegians, who were the first to uncover the Thing before Kurt Russell and the gang even had a look at it. This time we get Mary Elizabeth Winstead being called into a base in Antarctica to help dig the titular whatchamacallit out of the ice. You know what happens next: Thing breaks out, people scream, paranoia sets in, it all becomes a "whoisit" (as opposed to whodunit) and it all ends in flames. That this The Thing remake isn't a disaster is almost shocking. Replacing practical effects as amazing as the ones in J

Following a hugely popular show like Lost was always going to be tough but who knew that J.J. Abrams had one more trick up his sleeve? From the very first scene of the Fringe pilot you know you're in good hands as a bunch of passengers on a plane (so far so Lost) start melting... Yeah. You guys just wait till you get to the zombie baby episode. What Abrams has skilfully and seemingly effortlessly managed to do is single-handedly reinvent the FBI cop series into a sort of sci-fi/50's B movie/CSI hybrid which on paper really shouldn't work but actually does just that, and beautifully so. It might take a bit of time for Fringe to grow on people but it's pretty clear for anyone having followed it from the very beginning that this is the natural successor to X-Files . Not that aliens are at all involved but in terms of sheer serious out-there-ness and cleverness of concept, Fringe is right up there and has a definite sense of fun to it not to mention lots of creati