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JACK THE GIANT SLAYER - REVIEW

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With the box-office proving repeatedly that 3D fantasy films do very well financially these days, it's no surprise that, following the successes of both Alice In Wonderland and Oz: The Great And Powerful , yet another contender would come along and attempt to do just as well. Which brings us to: Jack The Giant Slayer . Directed by Bryan Singer, the film merges Jack And The Beanstalk with Jack The Giant Killer to tell a story in as traditional a way as possible without having to resort to that recently in vogue steampunky Hansel And Gretel: Witch Hunters -style Hammer horror vibe. The film actually opens on our two main characters as kids in their respective beds, one is poor, one is a princess, being told fairy-tales involving giants and a world in between Heaven and Earth. Then the film stumbles around for a while feeling like a mix between a flat episode of Blackadder and an ugly, live-action retelling of Disney's Aladdin . Seriously: this movie's Aladdin.

THE CABLE GUY - VIDEO REVIEW

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JACK REACHER - REVIEW

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Tom Cruise is back. In Jack. Reacher, that is. In what may start some kind of lasting Bourne-style action franchise (but probably won't), Jack Reacher sees tough cookie ex-army Sherlock dude Jack Reacher (well, duh) being hired to help shed light on a case involving a sniper taking out a seemingly random group of people for no apparent reason. Of course, Reacher suspects there's much more to it than just another psycho losing it and leads his own investigation. What follows is a CSI-meets-Mission-Impossible hybrid which sees Tom Cruise, as usual, taking his top off and acting way taller than he actually is. Oh, also Werner Herzog, of Werner Herzog fame, pops up as mysterious villain "The Zec" who doesn't do much besides talking and sitting but manages to be awesome nonetheless thanks to his inherent, unparalleled Herzoginess. Give the guy a dead eye, a gnarled hand, a dark setting to monologue into and voila! That classic documentary-friendly soothing v

RISE OF THE GUARDIANS - REVIEW

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It's so hard to find good Christmas movies these days, let alone animated ones. Could it be that The Nightmare Before Christmas was the last word on that? Well, from the looks of this latest Dreamworks outing, it seems that there's still hope for holiday movies yet! Rise Of The Guardians , while far from perfect (I'll get to that), still boasts enough creativity and popcorn entertainment to make it a fair attempt at something good and festive. The plot sees Jack Frost (Chris Pine) being taken in by the likes of Santa (an unrecognisable Alec Baldwin), The Easter Bunny (Hugh Jackman), The Sandman and The Tooth Fairy (Isla Fisher) to join them as a "Guardian" (basically a Moon-appointed superhero of sorts). Their goal usually being to keep kids safe and their imaginations intact, this time they're having to face off against Pitch Black (a fun Jude Law and a damn good sci-fi B movie) whose plan it is to fill everyone's heads with nightmares and make fear

MARS ATTACKS! - REVIEW

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Back when Tim Burton films were still awesome and not "just ok", Mars Attacks! came out and gave us a delightful piece of 50's-style sci-fi B movie goodness complete with a stellar cast and Burton's own brand of surreal, nasty wackiness. It's funny to think that Independence Day came out the same year as Mars Attacks! since the latter feels like a complete spoof of Roland Emmerich's disaster cheese-fest. Burton's film takes the clichéd alien invasion formula we've seen in movies like War Of The Worlds , Earth vs The Flying Saucers or The Day The Earth Stood Still and gives it a playful edge. We see our world react to a potential alien encounter stupidly and naively. Rather than fearing the Martians, we're in fact pretty darn welcoming and peaceful about the whole thing. It's a clever take on that plot because in those old movies people are usually terrified of an alien invasion and completely overreact. Here, we only acknowledge how scre

BATMAN - VIDEO REVIEW

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MY TOP 10 BEST BATMAN MOVIE MOMENTS

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Looking back at those Batman movies, I realised that there are several moments I'm always looking forward to. Scenes I always go quiet for and can't wait to see again and again. This is my own personal best-of so feel free to share your own best moments in the comments below ;) 10 CALLING CARD After 10 years of picturing George Clooney sliding down plastic dinosaurs in the infamous Batman & Robin , watching a decent Batman flick was almost overwhelming. So when we got our Joker promise in that final scene and that "you'll never have to" line before The Bat gloriously flies into our faces, it was pretty special. Yes the line is cheesy as hell but... what can I say? I still like it. Batman Begins was half build-up, half Batman and this moment really was the confirmation that this new, intimidating version of the hero was well and truly here to stay and that many more great things were still to come. Good news indeed. 9 TWO FACES TOO FAR T

ABOUT SCHMIDT - REVIEW

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Jack Nicholson is Warren Schmidt, an old dude who goes on a road trip after his wife's death in order to stop his daughter from getting married to a loser, occasionally he writes inappropriate letters to an African child he's never met. Yes, I know, it doesn't sound like THE story of our time but don't be fooled, About Schmidt is one of director Alexander Payne's best and boasts one of Nicholson's best performances. For one thing he's not grinning, laughing maniacally or generally being a nutjob so against-type? I think so. His Warren is an imperfect man of contradictions: mild-mannered and very much an introvert, he's always deep in thought yet doesn't seem to think things through completely, prone to adapting to a certain routine yet impulsive, sweet but a bit tight with his money and occasionally pretty selfish. He's a man of few words but a hell of a lot is going on in his head whether it's complaints about his wife's little ann

24: THE DVD BOARD GAME - REVIEW

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So I'm walking around a store when I find... 24: THE DVD BOARD GAME I lol, dig in my pocket for two, yes TWO, coins (like it's the 1500's) and buy that shit heartily. Oh it looked beautiful. Being a DVD board game I had my doubts, of course, but Jack Bauer was there, his face right on the cover, comforting me and I knew everything was gonna be aaaaalright... After playing the game, really I found there was only one thing wrong with it: IT DOESN'T WORK!!! Yeah. *This DVD board game takes place between the hours of my balls and my ass* Now I don't mean that the game is broken and I couldn't play it. No. The game is broken in that it is actually unplayable . Which is a shame because it all starts rather well! You've got your cool CTU-approved board, a briefing by Jack Bauer himself (*squeeee*) with 3 promising missions to choose from and our favourite countdown from the show! *tick dumm* 0:01:00 *tick dumm* 0:00:59 Then you start pl

24: SEASON 1 - REVIEW

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I know, I'm like 100 years late. But I'm The "Retro" Critic! :P I remember catching a glimpse of this iconic show back in the day and actually finding it pretty entertaining. Sadly, I hadn't followed the thread from the very beginning so it felt like catching the season about halfway through would be a bit of a waste. I decided to wait until I could check it out on DVD. 10 years later... Well I finally made it, that's the main thing, right? So was it worth the wait? What do I make of this very first season? It's good. I thought it would be quite good and it was. Basically I'm rarely taken by a cop-themed series unless you've got a mad scientist in there ( Fringe ), evil twins ( Alias ) or... Columbo ( Columbo ). But 24 did a hell of a good job keeping me entertained throughout and making me care about MOST of what was going on. Kiefer Sutherland's Jack Bauer is a hard one to dislike and is pretty much the glue holding the whole sho

ALIAS: SEASON 1 - REVIEW

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I resisted. Honestly I did. Before watching Alias I only knew it involved some girl running around corridors with wigs and I refused to believe there was anything more to it than that. I refused to allow myself to like it. To be fair, there is a LOT of Jennifer Garner running around in wigs down corridors. That's like a given for any episode: that WILL happen. Accept it now and you'll feel better about it very quickly. So what is Alias? And how can I even begin to explain without spoiling the whole thing for you guys? Lets just say it's a European-style spy thriller series created by Lost / Fringe maestro J.J. Abrams with a terrific cast of characters, some of the best twists and cliffhangers you'll find in any show, a kinda supernatural underbelly (so good) and one of the all time great TV villains. Being an early noughties thing, expect the odd shitty pop song, copious amounts of techno music and Brosnan-era Bond-style technology. Season 1 is quick to get

JACK BRISTOW: HAT DENIER - ALIAS

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KUNG FU PANDA 2 - REVIEW

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There was something pretty irresistible about the first Kung Fu Panda film. Seemingly a dull, same-old same-old kiddie animation, it was actually genuinely engaging, very appealing visually and quite clever in its admittedly familiar approach to storytelling. Its take on Kung Fu movie cliches wasn't exactly new but the film still felt fresh regardless and, more importantly, was a lot of fun. A sequel was therefore inevitable and for this one we have pretty much more of the same but obviously with bigger stakes and more action scenes...and a third dimension. So how does it fare? Strangely not quite as well. Not that Kung Fu Panda 2 is poor in any way but somehow a lot is lost in this one's bigger scale. The heart of the story, Po's relationship with his dad and his search for his origins, is still very effective but the loud, in-your-face action sequences downplay a story which, in itself, was solid and powerful enough without being peppered with whizz-bang nonsense.

PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: ON STRANGER TIDES - REVIEW

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Jack Sparrow returns in this new Pirates of the Caribbean spin-off which finally discards of Keira Knightley and Mr Bloom to focus on Depp's very own adventure on the search for the Fountain of Youth. Director Gore Verbinski is replaced by Rob Marshall so this looked set to be a very different movie indeed. Well, different in an...exactly the same sort of way... To be fair you've got new faces: Penelope Cruz, Ian McShane, some mermaid, some priest... But even they feel familiar. The priest/mermaid lovey-dovey stuff is pure Keira/Orlando nonsense, McShane's Black Beard stands in for Bill Nighy's Davy Jones and Cruz is a 3 dimensional version of a tougher Keira Knightley we've seen in the previous Pirates movie. Story-wise, you've got no less than 4 teams of people (pirates, Spanish people, Barbossa...) all hunting down the Fountain of MacGuffins but of course there's plenty of double-crosses, magic and pointless rules on the way. Why one can't sim

BATMAN - REVIEW

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After the catoonish lunacy of the Adam West 60's TV series which had the Dark Knight dancing, surfing, running to crime scenes ON FOOT and stroking his chin repeatedly speaking bat-nonsense and adding the word "bat" before any device, it was definitely time for something a little more, shall we say, edgy? Not that the old series weren't fun: they were great! But as far as comic book heroes go, this one had more potential than the West series could ever produce. So who better to bring out the gothic weirdness and quirky theatrics of The Bat than Beetlejuice maestro Tim Burton? Michael Keaton is the troubled caped crusader, an unlikely choice but one which proved to be surprisingly spot-on: he brings humour and likeability to a character which could easily be bland and "one-note". Of course, the real scene-stealer here is Jack Nicholson's devilish joker who prides himself on being the world's first "homicidal artist" by trashing a museu

THE SHINING - REVIEW

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Why The King didn't appreciate this will always mistify me. Stanley Kubrick's Stephen King adaptation remains one of the best and most genuinely "haunting" (pun intended and instantly regretted) horror films ever made.   Time hasn't been particularly kind to 70's horror films with the likes of The Omen and The Exorcist now feeling dated and hardly impressive in any way. But right on the cusp of the 80's, The Shining still holds up very well, although it's hard to take Danny speaking to his finger too seriously. At the heart of the film is a towering performance by Jack Nicholson, who can do crazy like no other (yes, Nic Cage is a close second) and joyfully cranks up the loon-o-meter to 11. Shelley Duvall was criticised for being too hysterical throughout but, to be honest, anyone not very good with handling stress would be lost in such a huge setting with a psycho husband running loose and such a weird kid...speaking in crazy voic

GULLIVER'S TRAVELS - REVIEW

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As Jonathan Swift uncomfortably rolls around in his grave, Jack Black brings us this loose (and I mean LOOSE) adaptation of Gulliver's Travels along with one of the most unnecessary all-star cast since the original Casino Royale . Story-wise, this is all set in modern day with Black's mail room guy making his way to the Bermuda Triangle and ending up in Lilliput where Chris O'Dowd's villain captures him. But after saving the King (Billy Connolly) with his piss, he becomes a national treasure. And instead of making realizations about his own society, like the original story would have it, he uses Lilliput as his own personal toys and everyone seems Ok with that. There's a lot of things wrong with Gulliver's Travels: the story is slight, the whole thing is barely amusing, the effects work but are unimpressive, the cast is underused, Black tries too hard and, worst of all, there are so many plot holes I can't even name them all. Gulliver's phone has un