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THE SAINT - REVIEW

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It's tough to beat a Bond movie at the box office, especially if your film is a B movie about cold fusion and goofy disguises. Tomorrow Never Dies was released the same year as The Saint and it's easy to see why the Val Kilmer-starring vehicle faded away into nothing. For crying out loud, Never Dies had a remote controlled BMW! The Saint had Elisabeth Shue with a heart condition. That the latter was turned down by a plethora of actors from Mel Gibson to Arnold Schwarzenegger is no surprise. All the ingredients for a fun light-hearted thriller are there and yet The Saint suffers from having one of the least inspired scripts I've seen in a long time. Who thought this was interesting? Some stock Russian gangsters want to steal the formula for cold fusion in order to fix some unlikely election. Meanwhile, some guy called Simon Templar helps them but then doesn't. THE END.  For aaaaages.  116 minutes on THAT boring-ass story? Surely you jest. The opening titles of T

THE MASTER OF DISGUISE - REVIEW

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Have you ever wondered why Dana Carvey, that other guy from the Wayne's World movies, never made it big in the movies after that, like Mike Myers? Have you seen The Master of Disguise? No? Well, that figures then. So you've got a main character called Pistachio Disguisey...yup I think Carvey's pitch should have been over right there and then but somehow producers looked past that (Adam Sandler being one of them) and gave the go ahead. So here we have a spy movie spoof in which Carvey basically goes through his repertoire of bad impressions and improvises in every scene until even the other actors look at him with a wtf expression on their faces. Don't get me wrong, I like Carvey, and I actually enjoyed some of his idiotic jokes but on the whole this is pretty darn awful from start to finish. Directed as if it were a CBBC show for 5 year olds, written as if it hadn't actually been written, acted awkwardly by everyone, not even a ridiculous turtle