TheRetroCritic

After re-watching the mostly abysmal Never Say Never Again , I wasn't too keen on fitting in a quick watch of Diamonds Are Forever , a movie I barely remembered and didn't recall being particularly wowed by in the first place. Turns out this one is actually not too bad. The film opens like a Saturday morning cartoon with Bond making his way to Blofeld's lair and encountering a cloning mudbath which actually IS as silly as it sounds. Once the plot starts, though, Diamonds Are Forever finally starts resembling a movie and a somewhat convoluted plot involving dodgy diamond trades, diamond-powered satellites, gay serial killers, cat clones and plenty of ladies far too young for old Sean in inexplicably skimpy outfits, begins. Oh, and it turns out the safety of the entire world rests upon one cassette tape. Clearly one of Blofeld's better constructed megalomaniac plans. Two things prevent this Bond outing from being on the same level as Never Say Never Again: 1/ S

Hey, remember when James Bond was about as PC as Speedy Gonzales? Sean Connery being the John Wayne of the franchise, you can imagine how a little trip to Japan in the 1960's turned out... You Only Live Twice sees 007 fake his own death before travelling to Japan where he's hoping to find out who has been sending a mysterious Pacman -style space bullet to gobble up the US and Soviet Union's satellites, almost kick-starting a nuclear war between both countries. Kind of like the plot to Tomorrow Never Dies in a way but instead of China it's Russia, instead of a media mogul it's a cat-strokin' menace and instead of boats... it's SPACE. On location, Bond meets the usual mix of bad guys, sultry gals and sumo wrestlers. It's all a bit hit-and-miss plot wise with Bond not actually doing much besides letting himself be bathed by half-naked ladies, flying an ever so slightly absurd-looking foldable helicopter and... getting an "Oriental make-over&q