TheRetroCritic

CLICK HERE for the review, which was posted for the first instalment of Review A Bad Movie Day on September 8th.

Few things in 2016 looked quite as ridiculous as the trailer for Alex Proyas' Ancient Egypt-set epic Gods Of Egypt . The film itself turned out to be just as over-the-top as expected and, although it did well internationally, the movie bombed domestically and critics panned it. One of the first things to turn audiences off was the controversial casting of white actors as Egyptian gods. While definitely not the best decision from the producers, I would argue that this is the least of this film's worries. Besides, realism isn't exactly what we should look for in a fantasy film as out there as this. The plot follows young thief Bek (Brenton Thwaites) as he helps God Of Air Horus (Nikolaj Coster-Waldau) to fight back against Set (Gerard Butler), the God Of Darkness, who has taken over Egypt, stolen his lover and even his eyes. Bek is hoping that the gods will bring back Zaya (Courtney Eaton), his girlfriend who was killed by one of Set's men. Making a big blockbuster a

As if the 80's weren't already 80's enough, in 1986 we got the most patriotic, corniest blockbuster imaginable: Top Gun . Directed by Tony Scott, the film starred Tom Cruise in his then most bankable role and followed cocky fighter jet pilot Maverick as he starts training with the best of the best. If you ever wondered why Michael Bay sets all his films at sunset, the answer is Top Gun as pretty much every scene in Scott's movie takes place in front of a golden sky. We first meet Maverick (Cruise) and his friend Goose (Anthony Edwards) as they show off their bold yet reckless flying and manage to save a panicking pilot who would have otherwise crashed. Because apparently mixed messages are an old navy favourite, they are told off then promoted and sent to the Top Gun school of awesome pilot douchebags where their confident, playful attitude is quickly rejected and criticised before Maverick proves himself worthy. There, they meet alpha-douche Iceman (Val Kilmer), w

Arnold Schwarzenegger stars in Eraser , a 1996 action movie about a U.S. Marshal (with a thick Austrian accent) working for the Witness Security Protection Program who is forced to go solo when trying to protect someone because of a mole in his organisation who is attempting to frame him and capture the person he's looking out for. Eraser gave Schwarzenegger a solid run at the box-office despite less-than-thrilled reviews from critics (though Roger Ebert enjoyed it). It's easy to see why the actor would get involved in a film like this since, on paper, it's the perfect Arnie vehicle complete with ridiculous action sequences, corny one-liners and an explosive climax. This may not be one of the actor's most memorable movies but it definitely has a lot going for it: one scene sees the bad guys get chomped by alligators in a zoo, because where else would a gun smuggling conspiracy lead us? Another scene involves Arnie hanging off an opened plane door before jumping off

After the huge success that Jurassic Park was, director Steven Spielberg confidently followed the film four years later with sequel The Lost World: Jurassic Park , spinning off Jeff Goldblum's character in the original into his own movie. With the lead bringing his usual brand of irresistible stuttering charm and Spielberg back on directing duties, The Lost World seemed like a clear winner. While it certainly was a winner at the box-office (I mean, who wouldn't go see a Jurassic Park sequel?) it didn't exactly wow critics who delivered mixed reviews. The original film was ground-breaking in terms of special effects, bringing believable-looking dinosaurs to wide-eyed 90's audiences, but it was also a masterpiece of suspense and schlocky popcorn movie action. It walked a fine line between family-friendly fare and gory horror but it made it all work effortlessly. Making Dr. Ian Malcolm the main character in this one was a good call: his wry quips and chilled-out

During the late 80's/early 90's, Kevin Costner could do no wrong. So it's no surprise he was cast as Robin Hood in this 1991 blockbuster despite the actor not having an English accent in the slightest or having any interest in even attempting one. I guess this was only a few years after we all accepted Sean Connery as an Egyptian from Spain in Highlander so an American Robin Hood probably didn't sound like too crazy of an idea. Incidentally, Sean Connery does cameo in this movie as King Richard the Lionheart. Robin Hood: Prince Of Thieves is one of those movies that really should not work and yet does mostly thanks to the fact it's a shameless, mindless blockbuster with enough cheese and ham to entertain even the most stubborn viewer. The familiar tale of Robin Of Loxley and his gang of misfits is told without many surprises but what it lacks in unpredictability it makes up for in gusto. Kevin Reynolds' movie follows Robin's journey from prisoner

The Mission: Impossible franchise is back with yet another larger-than-life adventure in which Tom Cruise is running topless somewhere exotic, kicking all sorts of butt. This time, the main threat being a secret organisation known only as The Syndicate, which is essentially a villainous version of the IMF. They've been causing chaos all around the world and Ethan Hunt (Cruise) has always been one step behind. After Alec Baldwin's government official pretty much closes down the IMF, it'll be up to Hunt and his crack team to take down The Syndicate while acting under the radar. The team in question being composed of computer wizard Benji (Simon Pegg), field agent William Brandt (Jeremy Renner) and all-rounder Luther (Ving Rhames). They also get the help of Isla Faust (Rebecca Ferguson), a resourceful badass gal Ethan meets during several missions, though it's not always clear who she works for so trusting her is a gamble throughout. The film opens with the much pr

At first, Jurassic "anything" sure didn't sound like the best idea seeing how unpopular both sequels to Steven Spielberg's genial 90's blockbuster Jurassic Park were. Then the idea of a Jurassic World popped up and, suddenly, we all perked up about the project a little. The trailers had a lukewarm flavour to them, though, so who knew if this reboot/sequel was going to be any good. Especially sans Goldblum! Having the doors of the Park actually open and allowing guests to go on (mostly unsupervised) prehistoric rides certainly offered a lot of opportunities for mindless dino-destruction and an unparalleled body count for the franchise. In that sense, Jurassic World delivers exactly what we needed: pure Summer blockbuster chaos complete with people getting chewed-up by fab-looking CGI dinosaurs, tons of suspense and that iconic John Williams score (arranged by Michael Giacchino) punctuating the show throughout. The plot sees two kids whose parents are go

The 90's were a great decade for action films. Simple premises with dumb yet memorable concepts and loads of explosions being the key factor for many of them. Also Dennis Hopper turning in increasingly hammy performances as awesome, if cartoonish, villains. Speed , of course, stars a young Keanu Reeves as a cop who becomes the target of a madman's dastardly plan to blow up a city bus in exchange for a silly (and oddly specific) amount of money. He is told the bus can't slow down below 50 mph or it'll blow so the plan becomes to try and outsmart Hopper's cola-drinking baddie by trying to stay one step ahead somehow, despite the fact that he is keeping track of everything that's happening with his finger firmly placed on the detonator. You wouldn't think that a film about a city bus would be this entertaining and relentless but it certainly lives up to its title and we're given little time to rest in this intense race against time. Sandra Bullock

Megan Fox sucks. Now the elephant in the room's finally out of the way and I've clarified that for ya right off the bat: let's take a look at the new Michael Bay-produced Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles or, as it is also called, Ninja Turtles . This looked set to be a disaster from the get-go with Bay attached, the casting of Fox and major changes to the Turtles' story all announced at the same time. Then came the very dumb trailer which didn't look all that amazing and actually turned off a lot of people who thought the turtles looked too freaky. Because we all know what a teenage mutant ninja LIVE ACTION turtle should look like, don't we? And what we're all picturing right now isn't weird at all, right? Come on, mutated turtles that can talk, fight and eat pizza were always going to look bizarre not in a cartoon or a comic book. The biggest surprise the film had to offer wasn't the new "roided-out" look of its titular characters

Our  The Big Rewind  podcast meets The Tomboy Tarts’  Tomboy Tirade   podcast and film reviewer  The Movie Rogue  in this Avengers-style special Summer blockbuster episode of the mighty Tirade! You can find both Tomboy Tirade and The Big Rewind on iTunes! The episode is up now, like, right NOW so check it out and subscribe! Click the link/picture above :)

The late nineties were a weird time. Nicolas Cage kept being cast in ridiculously overblown action movies ( Con Air , Face/Off ), Michael Bay was about to work with J.J. Abrams on Armageddon , dogs and cats living together: mass hysteria. Back in 1996, The Rock came out and combined the acting talents of Mr Cage and Mr Sean Connery in what seemed like an odd pairing, and, I suppose, in what  was an odd pairing, but which also worked surprisingly well. Knowing what we now know about Bay, The Rock is an interesting film to revisit because it's both very much his style and yet nowhere near as irritating or cheesy as the likes of Armageddon and Transformers 2 . I mean, of course you still get soldiers marching in slow-mo at sundown, insulting comic-relief stereotypes (look out for a gay hairdresser more concerned about hair than he is about bullets), perplexing one-liners ("How do you like how that shit works?") and ludicrous art direction but there's just somet

If there's one thing we've really learned, since the resurfacing of 3D, it's that cramming a movie with CGI, no matter how good, does not make a great film. Avatar got away with it at the box-office, so did Alice In Wonderland (though the critics panned it) and John Carter simply didn't. So here comes another over-hyped example. It's called Gravity . Now, critics love this movie: it's Oscar-bait at its purest. Gravity is a concept movie with two main leads: George Clooney, who is going for the quirky and loveable Best Supporting Actor nomination and Sandra Bullock, who is going for the big prize. No plot, no brains, no point but boy is it trying. I'll give the film that: it looks pretty good. You're clearly looking at buckets of CGI with tons of stuff flying at you to cater for the 3D aspect but the effects are solid enough to make you suspend your disbelief. Bullock's character is the rookie who somehow got a job in space despite her ner

Cowboys & Aliens may still be fresh in our minds but that doesn't mean we should NOT have another movie with cowboys and aliens, right? ...right? Come on, you know those two things kick ass and you know you want it... again. That's how John Carter begins: like a moody old western complete with saloons, the cavalry, feather-wearing native Americans and Sergio Leone-style swagger. "Beans: beans is the first item..." "My name is Carter. John Carter." Cut to: MAGIC! Shazam! WHOOSH! Mars. Fair enough. I mean there's no need for Disney to screw around with horses and sarsaparilla and shit when you can just beam to Mars! So anyway, Mars looks great. It's like CGI heaven but the effects are actually awesome. Like Avatar awesome. You've got these kinda gross-looking green guys with four arms, their even grosser-looking babies, some bulldog-type fast-as-shit mutt and loads more goodies. The Mars humans, on the other hand, are

Going into The Hunger Games with no prior knowledge of the story or the book, with only a really vague trailer and a rough guess of it being like a kid-friendly Battle Royale -type deal, I was hardly dying to see it. But, desperate for a popcorn movie and half-aware of some decent reviews for it I decided to check it out in the hope of finding some sort of originality, simple entertainment or maybe, just maybe, some good old fashioned Battle Royale teen cruelty. So how did The Hunger Games "play out"? Not bad, as it happens. I mean, I'm amazed it's done so much better than John Carter financially since both films are just as enjoyable but I can understand the film being more accessible going in. For one thing the concept is fairly straight-forward and bears no resemblance to Flash Gordon in the slightest, and there's no sign of any intimidating use of Avatar -style CGI in what can only be described as the plot for a really epic, campy Saturday morning 8

Some of you might recall mentioning a poster contest in an earlier post . Here's more info about it: THE CONTEST Looking forward to The Dark Knight Rises ? Can't wait until The Avengers ? Indifferent about Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 2 ? From where I'm standing, 2012 looks set to be one badass year at the movies. Which is why here at TheRetroCritic we want you to get involved in the fun! MAKE YOUR OWN POSTER for any upcoming 2012 release: doesn't have to be professional, doesn't have to perfect, just creative and/or funny. The posters can be silly, artistic, amazing, ass... it's all good! THE REWARD The best 3 posters will: - Be posted on the blog's new photo gallery! - Be included in the review of the depicted film! - Be made for real and sent to you directly in a goodie bag! The best runner-up posters will also be posted in the blog's photo gallery and a link to your own website/blog/page will be included in the "Retro Links&q