TheRetroCritic

SPOILERS Well, this is it, people. The final chapter of " The Twilight Saga ". ... REALLY?! THIS is it? Wow. After sitting through every single Twilight movie, I can safely say that this new installment is one big disappointment. Not so much in terms of lols, it does deliver a good bunch of those, as ever, but just in terms of sheer drama and cinematic competence. Yes this is meant to be like a cheesy vampire Harlequin romance type thing but it's also meant to be a story worthy of an entire franchise and, most importantly, a movie. As it turns out, this "saga" fails on all accounts. Shame, with Breaking Dawn Part 1 , things were finally starting to get borderline insane and mean-spirited just the way I wanted it to! Ah Part 1... You beautiful bastard. Here we have Bella, finally a red-eyed vamp, complete with super-strength, super-powers, moody doochiness and wood-like posture. FINALLY Bella is resembling a strong female lead and an actua

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Ok, two new trailers for Twilight: Breaking Dawn Pt. 2 and it's looking good. By that, of course, I mean lolgasmic. "She was born, not bitten. She grows every single day!" Gotta love that line. Then there's this one. "We have the same temperature now." Edward has a way with words. Also check out the last bit of that trailer, where Bella stalks a deer : GENIUS. Love that shit.

If Twilight: Breaking Dawn Pt.1 brought as many tears of lol to your eyes as it did to me, then you've gotta be looking forward to this second part. Speaking of which, here's a newly released picture depicting the happy family together for the first time: I'm loling already. Now lets have a look at how they came up with the idea for this teaser pic... Simple maths, really. + ÷ It's gonna be great.

Whether you like it or not: Twilight is a big deal. Not in terms of quality or artistic value of course but in terms of what an impact it's had on our teen culture. It was inevitable, then, that ripoffs would arise trying to cash in on the money-sucking saga. Obvious attempts that suddenly spring to mind include Red Riding Hood , Beastly and the subject of this here review: Blood & Chocolate . Pretend the title's less terrible than it is, it'll make this way easier. So why can Blood & Chocolate be called a Twilight ripoff/B movie? Well, lets see. You've got a young human/werewolf relationship, sparkly supernatural beings running around in forests, LOTS of walking and talking, copious amounts of cheese and... topless werewolves. Need I say more? The good news is that it's not Twilight. The bad news? It's worse. I'd say it's on a par with Eclipse but no: it's worse. I'll let that sink in. And it's not just the Twilig

Growing up in France I was pretty much pre-programmed as a Tintin fanatic from the start. Owner of all the books (yes, even the infamously racist one), proud addict of the animated series and devout follower of all things Tintin, the prospect of a film based on Herge's comics directed by Steven Spielberg was a pretty exciting one to say the least. Looking forward to a full-on live action Tintin film, the announcement that the whole thing would be motion-captured was a tad disappointing. I mean, there hasn't been a good live action Tintin flick since 1961's Tintin And The Mystery Of The Golden Fleece : it felt right. But an animation? How could it ever measure up to the TV series or even the 1972 animated feature Tintin And The Lake Of Sharks ? I guess the idea was to stay true to Herge's designs (...by changing them?) but the cartoons did that pretty well so that sounded like a bit of a redundant move. Like Superman Returns being a homage to a franchise which alre

Robert Pattinson sparkles in this inexplicably hugely popular first outing of the Mormon Sexless Teen Vamp Saga...sorry, I meant Twilight . The film starts promisingly in a little town where we meet Bella (a whiny Kristen Stewart), her dad and her new life as the new girl in high school. The one thing the film actually has going for it, to be fair, is the way it portrays small town ennui so enjoy this first twenty minutes as you will sorely miss them. And then the vampires come in (lol), strolling in like Purity Ring-wearing badasses into the school canteen looking not-at-all suspiciously pale and blinking with their not-at-all strange yellow eyes. Pattinson's hair defies gravity and he always looks like he's lost a small olive and he's trying to figure out where he might have dropped it. He has tantrums about the perils of biology class and takes 5 days off school because his new lab partner smells like putrid virginity. In a highly perplexing scene, both meet for