Well, this is it, people.
The final chapter of "The Twilight Saga".
THIS is it?
After sitting through every single Twilight movie, I can safely say that this new installment is one big disappointment. Not so much in terms of lols, it does deliver a good bunch of those, as ever, but just in terms of sheer drama and cinematic competence. Yes this is meant to be like a cheesy vampire Harlequin romance type thing but it's also meant to be a story worthy of an entire franchise and, most importantly, a movie. As it turns out, this "saga" fails on all accounts. Shame, with Breaking Dawn Part 1, things were finally starting to get borderline insane and mean-spirited just the way I wanted it to!
Ah Part 1...
You beautiful bastard.
Here we have Bella, finally a red-eyed vamp, complete with super-strength, super-powers, moody doochiness and wood-like posture. FINALLY Bella is resembling a strong female lead and an actually almost likeable character. Though her kicking Jacob's ass early on was pretty harsh considering he's been the only consistently good person throughout and the whole imprinting thing isn't technically his choice.
Then again he did fall in love with that baby...
And he is essentially grooming a child to be his mate in the near future...
"You nicknamed my daughter after the Lock Ness monster?!"
WHO WROTE THIS?!
Anyway, the whole movie is building up to this big climax in the CGI snow where Michael Sheen and the dastardly Volturi face-off against the good vamp's super-team of bloodsucking, crazy-old drifters, werewolves, half-naked Amazons (loool), cartoon Russians and electric blondes. All because of a weird misunderstanding regarding rapid-aging super-kid Renesmee which Shannon from Lost assumed was a mortal child turned by Edward or Bella but in fact is the "natural" product of a vampire/human union. Which isn't that big a deal and which no-one has ever even heard of happening before. In hundreds and hundreds of years. Even though Alice shows up with Pocahontas and her half-vamp brother later on. Whatever, I'm sure it all makes sense in someone's head.
But yeah, so if you don't already know, the big battle at the end is all one big, random dream set-off by Alice's ability to see the future so NOTHING actually happens in this movie! And the fake-out fight scene is a tacked-on, not-even-really-in-the-book bit of what the f***, I hear. Oh sure you get your epic battle complete with 12A-approved (entirely bloodless) decapitations every 5 seconds but it doesn't mean anything in the end. How did they not fit these two parts into one movie? It's absurd.
Alright, now for the lols.
Ok, I'm gonna have to start with Renesmee because...
CGI babies, unless they're being punched in the face by Will Ferrell (see The Campaign), are NEVER a good idea. I have several examples to confirm this and Baby Geniuses, along with Baby Geniuses 2 are only the two most obvious ones. But they suck hard enough to make that point, I feel. This is nonsense. They couldn't get a baby? In America? What they did looks frankly hilarious, like a spherized puppet or something. And don't get me started on the partly CGI'd slightly older Renesmee and the lolgasmic CGI grown-up Renesmee. That shit is crazy-bad. Then there's Michael Sheen, clearly the only one who gets the joke here, and he is glorious. Watch out for some priceless cartoon facial expressions and one high-pitched squeal that will no doubt make Youtube its bitch soon enough. You've got people showing up in "tribal-wear" to a snow fight. Like they're hundreds of years behind despite their 'friendship' with Alice and co. and the fact they're super old. You've got Jacob getting naked in front of poor old Charlie (Billy Burke), the word "wolfy" is uttered and Bella hunts deer at one point before punching a rock repeatedly.
In the face.
I could go on forever but to sum up, this Twilight Saga has been one strange, amusing ride but sadly it ends with a movie that might just be worse than Eclipse. Breaking dawn Part 2 isn't as dull as the latter and at least has a good share of entertaining lols here and there we can all appreciate but the fact that this whole brouhaha has been leading up to a two-part climax about absolutely nothing and leaves our bland characters with no goals, nothing to aspire to, nothing interesting to look forward to besides FOREVER of being boring is really pushing it.
Nearly the worst of the bunch but if you've seen everything up to now, you might as well get the closure you need. Besides, Mr Sheen alone is worth the price of admission. And I'm about 80% sure he's not CGI.
Oh well, we'll always have New Moon.
And good movies.