BATTLE: LOS ANGELES
The faithful followers & visitors of the RetroCritic blog have voted and chosen... MY own pick for Worst Film Of 2011...
And no, I didn't vote several times.
Believe it or not, more people disliked Battle: LA than Sucker Punch, Transformers 3 AND Alvin & The Chipmunks 3: Chipwrecked. I'm guessing most skipped that last one. But what makes this Aaron Eckhart-starring sci-fi war flick so hard to get behind?
Well, for one thing the awesome trailer was about as misleading as it gets: it promised tons of exciting action, loads of suspense, ground-breaking special effects, an interesting, gritty take on the familiar alien invasion plot and strong performances.
But noooooo. Fuck that shit!
Lets plow through sand with Team Douchebag for two hours on the offchance that something resembling an alien might show and fuck 'em up!
How to describe Battle: La?
Basically, if Skyline ate Black Hawk Down, District 9 and Independence Day then shit them out into Michael Bay's mouth, and he ate that shit before shitting out the whole thing out AGAIN... you'd get close to getting an idea of what watching Battle: LA is like.
It's just bad. From really early on you know you've been suckered in to watching a long, unpleasant snooze-fest. We meet all these character, none of them interesting, likeable or entertaining in any way. Some of them actually really badly played by the actors. The film takes itself so goddamn seriously! An alien invasion movie should be fun, not the movie equivalent of watching paint dry. Not even Michelle Rodriguez, flown in about halfway through I guess as a kind of last resort, can't save this "battle" from sucking.
Poor Aaron Eckhart. He really does try but by the end you'll want to slap the guy as well. After brutally torturing an alien, yelling at us the entire film, not developing any type of personality whatsoever and giving us the tedious "This. Is our. Independence Daaaaay!" speech one more time, no matter how much you respect the guy, you'll be begging to watch Paycheck again.
I hate when shitty movies are advertised as good movies. Just be honest from the start, save us some time and money. Take The Asylum's Battle Of Los Angeles: it knows it sucks and is very open about that. But it seems to have fun with it and although I have yet to see it, I'm guessing it's somewhat more entertaining and significantly shorter than the B-list movie it's based on.
Dull, uninvolving, clichéd to the max, overlong, dusty and frankly unimpressive, Battle: Los Angeles is my pick, and yours, for Worst Film Of 2011.
Thank you very much for voting, until next time ;)