1/23/12

BLOOD & CHOCOLATE - REVIEW


Whether you like it or not: Twilight is a big deal.

Not in terms of quality or artistic value of course but in terms of what an impact it's had on our teen culture. It was inevitable, then, that ripoffs would arise trying to cash in on the money-sucking saga. Obvious attempts that suddenly spring to mind include Red Riding Hood, Beastly and the subject of this here review: Blood & Chocolate.

Pretend the title's less terrible than it is, it'll make this way easier.

So why can Blood & Chocolate be called a Twilight ripoff/B movie? Well, lets see. You've got a young human/werewolf relationship, sparkly supernatural beings running around in forests, LOTS of walking and talking, copious amounts of cheese and... topless werewolves. Need I say more?

The good news is that it's not Twilight. The bad news?

It's worse.

I'd say it's on a par with Eclipse but no: it's worse.

I'll let that sink in.

And it's not just the Twilight plagiarism: Blood & Chocolate really is to werewolf movies what Steel is to superhero movies. It adds nothing to the mythology except the words "loup garoux" which isn't new at all and in French basically just means... werewolf. Here, werewolves are people who can simply shape-shift at will (*cough* Twilight *cough*) into normal-sized wolves (not even big-ass CGI ones!). They're part of this, I should say, "pack" led by a corny guy called Gabriel whom, every so often, feeds them a human to remind them of their superiority. So that's when everybody takes off their shirts, run into the woods and sparkle dolphin-dive onto the human (one guy for 100 wolves btw). Then dumbass Gabby McGoatee wonders why some of his gang are hunting solo, out of the pack.

Um, how about being a bit more generous on the feeding, dude? It's not quality, it really is quantity I'm concerned about here. You're starving these fucking wolves, man!

But I know what you guys are thinking and have been thinking since the very start of this review.

Chocolate?! WTF?

The girl works in a chocolate store. Yeah, that's it. I guess if she worked in a shit factory the film would be called Blood & Bubblin' Ass.

And by the way, doesn't having "blood" in the title of your supernatural horror movie kind of obligate you to have vampires in there somewhere? I swear it's like they gave these guys a title and they were told to build something Twilighty around it. It's like a bad school project!

Well it's a fail from me. The film is unforgivably dull with most of it consisting of people just walking and chatting about barely involving nonsense, several montages of characters choosing clothes or having a day out in the sun, oh and a bunch of absurd, boring-ass werewolf stuff. None of it is interesting, no-one has a personality and, worst of all, there's very little blood and even less chocolate! I feel cheated!

If you're gonna make a Twilight clone, fine. Just make it better! Is it really that hard? Think about it. Or at least make it about robots and aliens... or add something, a new twist to a familiar mythology. And with a title this silly, it's shameful that the film didn't even go all out. This was a restrained, watered-down snoozefest which made Twilight Eclipse look like a real film in comparison. And that's just messed-up.

Balls & Chocolate.

3 comments:

  1. I liked your twitter-view of this movie just as much sir. Seriously though as bad as it seems I am not compelled to rent this thing. Wonder if I can get a refund after....

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. ...er i meant AM compelled to rent it

      Delete
    2. Thanks ;) Yeeeah, check for refunds. That's all I gotta say lol

      Delete

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